Communicate With Anyone

Having effective communication skills is important to navigate the world.

Sometimes it can feel scary to speak to people regarding sensitive topics such as disagreements with coworkers or a boss.

One key element of effective communication is accountability, taking ownership of one's own thoughts and emotions regarding the issue.

The first step is to get clear about what the issue is. Let's say John is upset because he requested the day off of his wedding anniversary and was scheduled to work anyway.

Here are a couple of examples of ineffective attempts at resolution.

John gets on Facebook and writes, "To the manager who is making me work on my anniversary! I'm sorry your life is so miserable you can only think about yourself..."

John gossips to his coworkers about how the manager doesn't care.

John confronts the boss, "I don't appreciate how you just ignored my request. You don't care about your employees. This is B.S.!"

The first two are ineffective because John tells everyone about his problem except the boss who is the only one who can help him. The third is ineffective because he's made assumptions and accusations, quite possibly encouraging animosity upon himself.

So, what should John have done instead? First, he should identify the issue.

In this case it's clear, John requested not to work on his anniversary and was scheduled anyway. This is an objective fact.

Many believe that we cannot feel an emotion without first having a thought. So next, John should make a list of all the thoughts he's having regarding the issue.

-I think my boss doesn't respect me.
-I think my wife will be angry.
-So and so requested time off and got it so they must hate me.
-I don't want to work for people who don't respect me.
-I don't understand why my request was ignored.

The next step is to identify the emotions created by each thought. I think my boss hates me, and I feel angry. I think my wife will be angry and I feel worried, and so forth.

After this, John must identify what he wants. This is also simple, to get the time off.

So, now, despite feeling nervous, John is prepared to effectively communicate with his boss.

Here's how the exchange could go.

John: "Hi, boss, may I talk with you?"
Boss: "Yes, of course."
"Thank you. I noticed that I am scheduled to work on my anniversary. I filled out a request of absence for the day, and don't understand why I got scheduled. I feel worried my wife will be upset and angry. I think you must not value me as an employee. I'm confused. What's going on?"
Boss: "Oh! I'm so sorry, John! I transferred the scheduling information with your request into the spreadsheet last Thursday, but we have new software and are working out glitches with compatibility. It completely slipped my mind. I'm sorry. Thanks for bringing this to my attention. Of course you can have the day off."

So the issue had a positive resolution because John remained accountable and stuck to the facts of his own experience.

This method of identifying an issue, the thoughts and emotions attached to it, and desired outcome can be used for any situation.

Of course we don't always get what we want, but it helps to communicate what we want effectively to minimize the chances of the other party becoming defensive or apathetic.

Here's to effective communication!