The other day I got a job to be a personal bodyguard to this pretty lady:

Are you done drooling? Good... 2 seconds more and I'll be behind you. You wouldn't like me then.

THE INTERVIEW PROCESS

You should understand that I am a master of people, I literary get people to like me so this was going to be an easy job for me.
OH, how wrong I was....

Getting into this humongous mansion, I was given a picture tablet at the gate to study and be advised when I eventually stand before of the girls dad. Getting closer to the front door, there were a lot of heavily breasted men there all looking for the same spot tiny me wanted to secure:
They all looked like this:

and this was me when compared to them:

Staring down at the picture tablet that was given me, it just dawned on me that my awesome body wouldn't get me this spot. I had to be smart.

I quickly asked one of the less intimidating guys what we were to do with the tablet. He then told me that we are to choose the best character from the pictures to match what the man would want for his daughters head of security.

THE SELECTION BEGAN IN MY HEAD

I must quickly inform you that I settled for FEBRUARY
And my reasons are very potent:

• January looked like a player
• March looked like a boring rodeo rider
• April couldn't be more stupid than he looked
• May, Oh boy !!! I'll probably be shot by the pretty lady if I try to come close to her
• June looks like he is on top of his game, but we all know he is clueless to life
• July, even my dog wouldn't wear those shades
• August will probably be taking care of his cute face when his lady will get shot by a toddler
• September will definitely sleep with the pretty lady and probably progress to her mom
• October, she's a no on every ground
• November, he is gay !!!
• December will finish everything in the kitchen and prolly eat the man's daughter

So why did I choose February ?

Asides the fact that he is a rather well carved human being... he will obviously scare more with his smile than his muscles. Think about it, the lady wouldn't want me close to her when she attends all her parties, so she will behave herself and stay indoors and attend only the functions her father asks her to, or risk being photographed with a handsome figure like myself.

TWO BIRDS ONE STONE

Ermmmm. did I hear you say congratulations?

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I nominate @heymattsokol and @jonmagnusson