ComedyOpenMic Round #46. A Sticky Situation on a Train

As per usual this story is based on a true events. Only the names have been changed but thank god this wasn't me.


I had a really bad day in work. That Indian last night has my stomach up in a heap and I've been in and out of the jacks the whole day. The big wave hasn't hit yet. It's threatening. A few trickles but the big eruption is still to come. I can feel it. Will I make a run for the door and try and get home? I have to. Security will be setting the alarm soon. One last trip to the toilet to make sure I get home. I sit down on the toilet for the 12th time today. It sounds like a pee but it's not a pee. That eery pain of diarrhea. Not good. Hopefully the train comes on time today.

I make a dart for it. Walking briskly down the streets of Soho in London. So far so good. Then the big wave hit. A massive pain came over me. I held most of it in but some escaped. Oh No. My cream pants started going dark around the crotch. I was on Oxford Street at this stage and there was a Primark close by. My train is in 10 minutes. If I miss it I will have to wait hour. I will buy a trousers and underwear there to tide me over for the journey and saying hello to the girlfriend at the door when I get home. Then a nice shower and bed and nobody is the wiser.

I pull a trousers off the rack and buy a pair of jocks. I queue up and muscle in on the customer before me. Time is at the essence. The smell was becoming is quite pungent and the customer before me rushed away. I think she even left her bag here. I buy the trousers after I get funny looks from the staff member serving me. She became distracted with the odour and along came a security guard on the walkie-talkie looking on to escort me from the shop. I grab the bag and run for the train station.

I have 2 minutes. It is good that I am running taking my mind off what is happening. I just get to the train in time before the doors close.The train departs. Phew.

I go straight to the train toilet and I swiftly take off my trousers and underpants in a way that ensures I do not become even more covered in shit. I open up the little slide window above the toilet and throw the trousers and jocks out the window of the train. God bless the poor souls that come across that on the tracks. I clean myself off with wet tissues. Things are looking up. I got 99% of it off.

Ok now that I am naked from the waist down on a public train it was time to put on the new gear.
I opened the Primark bag and the look of horror suddenly came over my face. There was one item in the bag.
A fucking ladies woolly jumper!