I received a message on Facebook, from some Facebook friend who I don't really know who it is. Someone who claims to be a friend of a friend of mine. She asked if I'd heard the good news. What good news? The news that Texaco was giving away hundreds of thousands of dollars. She said she had received $300,000 from a company promo, and could I believe it?

As a matter of fact, I found it very hard to believe, and I told her so. She said she was also in disbelief, until the money arrived. She saw my name on the list of winners, and had I collected my money? I could still get in contact with the claim agent, and here was the link.

The link she sent me was for a profile on Facebook, which said I couldn't access it, because it was expired, or I didn't have access. How peculiar! She sent me a second link, of a Facebook page for a fellow named Agent Larry Smith, whose profile picture looked like your creepy old uncle who was also a bureaucrat - so, double creepy.

I decided to message creepy Uncle Larry to ask him how it was hanging.

Meet Mr. Smith

Me: Hi Larry
ALS: Good day I am (AGENT LARRY SMITH)
ALS: from the Texaco global company we have to know if you are here to get your winning so that we can show you what to do and and how to apply. What's your Name, So that I can check if your name is still among the Lucky winners list with me here.
Me: my name is kurt robinson
ALS: Hold let me check if your Facebook profile account name is still available
ALS: on the winner list
ALS: CONGRATULATION!!!
ALS: Your Facebook profile account name is still available on the winners list, which have to not forfeited.and you won the sum of $300,000.00 from Texaco global company award promo
Me: incredible
Me: how did they get my details to begin with?
Me: i don't remember signing up for a contest like that
ALS: You will have to fill a form, so we can have your details programmed and locate your destination when bringing the Money to you.are you ready to fill the form now and for security reason? And you have to fill it online here right now. are you ready to fill out the form right now?
Me: No, I'm not. Can you answer my question first please?
Me: Larry, English isn't your first language, is it?
ALS: Hello what do you mean by all this shit you are saying
ALS: Do you think we are here to kid or play with anyone else?

Chuckle.

Me: I'm just asking you what your native tongue is.
ALS: Are you ready to fill out the form or not?
Me: Well, no, I´d like to know more about this contest first.
Me: Perhaps you should contact your supervisor if you have some trouble answering my questions.
ALS: they have been helping the poor people and Retired, Unemployed, Worker's, Disable,and people's like us who are in need of money to make there possible living.
Me: That's nice. So how did you get my details for the contest?
ALS: Are you ready to fill out the form
Me: Sure, please show me the form.
ALS: Fill this form,so that we can Locate Your Destination when bringing the Money to you.

He pasted a form into the chat, with details like mother's maiden name and monthly income.

Me: Don't you have a website where I can fill this out?
ALS: Just write out the answer to the question and then send it here
ALS: Just write out the answer to the question and then send it here as message
Me: Why isn't there a webform for it?
ALS: All the winners also fill out there own here so fill it out now
Me: Okay, sure
ALS: Do that now waiting on that?
Me: Sure, just a moment
ALS: ok
Me: Here you go

I pasted my most intimate details in the chat:

NAME------------- Kurt David Biggwilly Guns Robinson
MOTHER'S NAME---- Angela Denise Clayton-Rubberjohnston
ADDRESS----------- 17 Cloverfield way, Godzilla
CITY-------------- Sydney
STATE------------- NSW
ZIP CODE---------- 2001
COUNTRY---------- Australia
DATE OF BIRTH----- 29/2/1985
MARRIED OR SINGLE- Married
TEXT NUMBER-------- 02 6444 7890
OCCUPATION-------- Adult entertainment sanitation engineer
MALE OR FEMALE---- Male
HEARING OR DEAF--- Hearing
OWN HOUSE OR APT-- Several
AGE--------------- 31
MONTHLY INCOME------- 3000

Me: How can I claim my money, Larry?
ALS: Thank you for getting back to us with your details Now we would have to forward this to the FedEx man and the cashier to start preparing you last document to get your winning deliver to you
Me: Okay, great
Me: I'll expect something in the post
ALS: We need your password and upload your photo id because a lot people lied to us and claim to be the real person that's why we ask for Facebook and email password so that when we bring the money to you we will ask you the password and some question as a secret question to make sure you are the real person we talked to online and then we will give you the money and sign the paper that you already received your payment from the FedEx man
Me: You want my Facebook password?
ALS: YES
Me: Okay, I'll just take a picture of my ID. Give me a few minutes
ALS: To complete your winning processing to the FedEx officer
ALS: Hello are you there with me?
Me: Yes, I´m just taking a photo of my ID. Had to get the right lighting
ALS: Okay
Me: So my Facebook password is wallaby-ball-licker-69
Me:And here's my ID

ALS: You have to resend your Facebook password ?
Me: Oh... why? You can just scroll up
ALS: Just don't know if the word are going to be together ?
Me: I'm not sure what you mean
ALS: We got you right
ALS: Now your winning Certificate is ready,and the Head of state have sign and approved on it that we should deliver you your winning in the next 24 hours without no delay or any issue on time

Wow! The head of state signed off. I hadn't realised how official this all was.

Me: Great, I'll expect a huge suitcase of unmarked $100 bills
ALS: Finally you will have to pay $2,500 USD for the shipping and delivery fee before you can get your winning deliver to you at your doorstep without no delay or any issue on time at your doorstep as soon as you make the payment on time without no delay
Me: $2,500 you say. That sounds rather disproportionate. Normally international shipping with FedEx costs less than $100
ALS: That is the amount that the winners have to pay upfront to get their winning delivered to them at their doorstep without no delay or any issue on time as soon as the payment was made
Me: Well, is there another way? Perhaps I could arrange to collect it from your office myself. What is the address of your office?
ALS: NO
ALS: Your winning will be deliver to you at your doorstep
Me: Where is your office? In which city?
ALS: At UNITED STATE OF AMERICA
Me: Ah, the city of the United State of America?
ALS: For sure your winning will be delivered to you at your doorstep through the FedEx man as soon as you make the without no delay or any issue on time through the FedEx man ?
Me: No problem, I'm going on a business trip there next week. Where can I collect the money?
ALS: You have to make the payment upfront to get your winning deliver to you after making the payment
Me: I see. How can I make the payment? By PayPal? Bitcoin? Gold-delivering carrier pigeon? A promissory note signed by a Knight Templar?
ALS: No
ALS: You are making the payment through post shop or walmart store via money gram
Me: Okay, I'll just go in to Walmart and tell them to send the money to the City of The United State of America
ALS: Alright
ALS: I will give you the address to make the payment too
Me: Oh, okay
ALS: Are you ready to go and make the payment right now?
ALS: So that your winning can be delivered to you tomorrow morning without no delay or any issue on time
Me: Sure, why not
ALS: Do you have the money cash at hand with you right now?
Me: Sure, I have so much money you wouldn't believe it. And I'm definitely willing to send it to a guy over Facebook who lives in the city of the United State of America - don't worry about that!
ALS: Alright
ALS: Now do you know any Walmart store that close to you?
Me: Unfortunately, there are no Walmart stores in Australia
ALS: What about post shop?
ALS: Do you know any post shop around you?
Me: Sure, I can go to the post office
ALS: Alright when you reach there just ask for money gram, Money gram is in there?
Me: Sure, they probably have it. What shall I do if they don't have it? You can give me your bank details so I can do a SWIFT transfer of course.
ALS: How many minute does Post office to where you are?
Me: Maybe 20 minutes
ALS: Alright now are you taking a cab to there or you are going to walk down there?
Me: I'll walk
ALS: Alright
You have the $2,500 with you cash at hand down there?
Me: What shall I do if they don't have Moneygram?
Me: Sure
ALS: Are you there already?
Me: No, I haven't left yet. My phone is broken so when I go, I won't be able to talk to you. Can you give me the Moneygram details?
ALS: You mean you need the address to make the payment too?
Me: Yes
ALS: When you reach post office, you will see money gram store there r you ask someone to direct you in there
ALS: And then make the payment through money gram store to the address am going to give you right now
ALS: Do you got me right?
Me: Sure
ALS: Now you have to look for a sheet of paper and pen to write down the address to make the payment too?
Me: Sure, I'll write it down

He sent me the details of someone named Smith Kola of 35 Fedex Rd, Sagamu, Nigeria. Funnily enough, Google Maps didn't show any such road in Sagamu. Must have been a typo.

Me: I thought you said you were in the city of the United State of America?
ALS: Yes
Me: I don't understand. Why did you give me an address in Nigeria?
ALS: i want you to know that the cashier to cash up your transaction right now is in west African that is why you are sending the money to the address
ALS: And surely as soon as you make the payment your winning will be deliver to you at your doorstep without no delay or any issue on time
Me: Ah I see. Of course. I'll go to the post office right away. I'll talk to you in an hour
ALS: An hour ?
Me: Yep, I'll be back in an hour
ALS: NOTE: Kindly keep this confidential for security reasons until when your money is fully delivered to your home address,
ALS: we say this to people who win money to avoid robbery when bringing you your money and to avoid unwarranted personnel to take advantage of this, okay?
Me: For sure
ALS: Make sure you keep this confidential and don't inform anyone about this cause of the security reason
Me: Of course
ALS: Where are you right now?
Me: I'm just about to leave, just had to brush my teeth and water my carnivorous crocodile plants
Me: And message Spiderman just in case I get into trouble on the way to the post office

Spiderman is a buddy of mine.

Me: But I'm going now
Me: talk soon
ALS: Can you take a picture of the money and send it here?
Me: Well... why would I do that?
ALS: Just for us to assure that you are making the payment right now and let the FBI know that you are having the money to make the payment right
Me: The FBI? What does the FBI have to do with this?
ALS: They are the one that is going to follow the FedEx man to secure them to your doorstep
ALS: Cause of asininity not to get in any problem
Me: The FBI are going to fly all the way from the USA, to Australia, to escort the FedEx guy?
ALS: YES
ALS: Now we are you?
Me: I'm still at home. I haven't left yet
Me: You were asking me questions about photos
ALS: Yes
ALS: Would you take the picture right now and send it here now?
Me: I have to withdraw the money from the ATM
ALS: Alright
ALS: Now you will have to go along with your phone so that i can monitoring you
ALS: And also you can be letting me know how you are going about this
Me: My phone is broken
ALS: Okay go now before the post office get close
ALS: Are you on your way to the ATM yet?
ALS: And also hope you have written the address in a sheet of paper and go along with it ?

I came back to the chat an hour later with confirmation of my payment.

Me: Here's the receipt to confirm that I sent the money

The next day, Agent Larry Smith responded.

ALS: Hello
Me: Hi Larry. I'll expect the money tomorrow. Have a good one
ALS: Hello how there you fooling us here
Me: How do you mean?
ALS: You are just here kidding yourself here
Me: How do you mean?
ALS: You just take a sheet of paper and write shit on it and then send that here as if you make the payment
Me: I don't know how you expect a receipt to look
Me: That's just how they do them here. The post office doesn't have much modern equipment
ALS: Alright now send me the reference number
ALS: I mean the tracking number
Me: Alrighty. It's C11-N13-FU
ALS: Man you are just fooling us here
Me: I don't know what the problem is here.
ALS: Man keep quiet
ALS: You don't make any payment
ALS: You are just here fooling us here '
Me: That's not a very polite way to speak to people. I'll expect the delivery tomorrow. Have a good day
ALS: reference number is only number not alphabet
Me: That's just what they gave me. Maybe they're using a legacy system
ALS: Right now am blocking you
Me: Your behaviour is rather unprofessional Larry. Can I speak to your supervisor?
ALS: bye
Me: Okay, I'll have to complain about you to Texaco

Then, the following day:

ALS: Calm are you sure you make the payment?
ALS: Hello are you there with me?
Me: Hi Larry, how are you? How's your mother?
ALS: What do you mean by how is your mother?
Me: Is your mother well? What is she up to these days?
ALS: Motherfucker

Before I had a chance to explain to Larry that I have never and would never lay a finger on his mother, he blocked me.

I'm still waiting for my money. I'm sure it will come soon.

Acknowledgements

Thanks to the very professional Agent Larry Smith and his team in Nigeria for providing me with the finest customer service a Texaco lottery winner could expect.

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If you enjoyed my story, please follow me here: @churdtzu and also follow our podcast account @paradise-paradox, where we talk about crazy ideas for open-minded people, and check out these other wonderful posts:

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