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Join @CarrieAllen every Friday evening from 7-9 EST for The Playhouse!

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We write original scripts and perform them live, in the only interactive Steemian radio show of its kind!

Join us! It's a great time!

Come to the Steemstar Discord if you wanna play! https://discord.gg/KsRrtBH

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Here's another new one that we'll be airing tomorrow night. Hope you like it!

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MEXICAN FOOD
By Chris Roberts

CHARACTERS

CARL - Hungry.
JACKIE - Hungrier.

JACKIE
Dude. How long have we been playing video games?

CARL
Dunno. I’ve had tunnel vision for the last few hours.

JACKIE
What’s this thing called again?

CARL
Oh, it’s the NES Classic. Pretty much my childhood in a little box.

JACKIE
Why’s it so little? Where do you stick the games?

CARL
The games are already built into it.

JACKIE
So what do you blow into when the screen comes up weird?

CARL
No blowing with this one. Unless…

JACKIE
Stop right there.

CARL
I told you this thing would be hours of entertainment. That’s why they call it an entertainment system.

JACKIE
It’s starting to get dark outside. We didn’t eat lunch.

CARL
You ate breakfast? I’ve just had coffee all day.

JACKIE
I’m starving. We’re not skipping dinner. And my fingers are cramping up anyway.

CARL
Yeah, I could eat.

JACKIE
God, Carl, you look like a frggin crackhead. Grab some eyedrops or something.

CARL
Yeah, I could look at something else for a few minutes. I’m so hungry.

JACKIE
Yeah, what are we gonna do about it? We don’t know how to cook.

CARL
This seems like a job for Mexican food.

JACKIE
OH MY GOD YES! There’s this place right down the street. Chico’s, or Paco’s or Pico’s… I can’t remember. They’re in my phone as “fastbeans.”

CARL
Sounds perfect. Slow beans are the worst.

JACKIE
If we order from these people, they will have our food here in I shit you not, five minutes. Plus they have literally everything that exists anywhere in the land of Mexico. I’m ready to call, and slightly bilingual. So what do we want?

CARL
Well we should get some tacos right?

JACKIE
Carl! An entire multiverse of Mexican cuisine at your disposal and you choose tacos?

CARL
You’re right. Let’s think about this a little. Is there like a… fried version of a taco?

JACKIE
Chimichanga’s are fried.

CARL
Yeah, but that’s like a fried enchilada. I’m thinking like a fried taco.

JACKIE
Taquitos!

CARL
Holy shit I forgot about taquitos! Put it on the list! And get me a chalupa!

JACKIE
If you know what a chalupa is, I’ll buy all of it.

CARL
Boom! I know what a chalupa is! Open-faced bean taco on a hard corn shell, often smothered in green chile or pico-de-gallo.

JACKIE
No. No, no, no. That was wrong in so many ways. You kind of described a sancho.

CARL
No, a sancho is that one that’s wrapped in the stupid corn husk that you can’t eat. I never forget a food that comes wrapped in a big thing you can’t eat.

JACKIE
That’s a tamale, you idiot!

CARL
C’mon, Jackie. I’m pretty sure I know what a tamale is. It’s like the only Mexican food that comes on a stick. I never forget a food that’s on a stick.

JACKIE
Now I’m lost. There’s not a single Mexican food that I can think of that always comes on a stick. You definitely don’t know what tamales are. Nevermind, nevermind. Let’s talk beans.

CARL
Old-fashioned all the way. No contest.

JACKIE
What the hell does that mean?

CARL
You know. Authentic or whatever. Like Mexican Grandma woulda made.
JACKIE
You didn’t have a Mexican Grandma, Carl!

CARL
We all have fantasies.

JACKIE
Are you talking about refried beans?

CARL
Could be. As long as they’re old fashioned.

JACKIE
We’ll table that for now. Soppopillas?

CARL
Gross! Aren’t those made from a pig’s entrails or something?

JACKIE
They’re literally fried dough pockets, covered in cinnamon sugar and filled with honey.

CARL
That’s considerably better. Put it on the list!

JACKIE
Do you like fajitas?

CARL
Not really. Too much work. I like it when you’re at a sit-down restaurant and they bring em out on that sizzling pan that’s setting the smoke alarms off as they bring it to your table. That’s what I’m talking about. Feel like the star of the restaurant.

JACKIE
That’s true. When you get fajitas from this place, they just come in a styrofoam thingy like everything else. It’s not nearly as fun.

CARL
And don’t pay for tortillas! That’s how they get you. I’ve got plenty of tortillas in the cupboard. Like I’m gonna buy ‘em twice.

JACKIE
Oh, you’ll want to try their tortillas. Homemade daily. The real deal. Just like your Mexican Grandma woulda made. They’ve got great flautas; we should get some of those.

CARL
Yeah! That one! That’s the one with the meatballs right? Wrapped in bacon?

JACKIE
Are you feeling alright? Absolutely nothing in Mexican cuisine contains meatballs.

CARL
Is it at least wrapped in bacon?

JACKIE
No, you’ll have to do that yourself. Do you have bacon?

CARL
Do I have bacon?! Who do you think I am?... No, I don’t have any bacon.

JACKIE
What’s your meat preference?

CARL
I mean it depends on the dish. I usually prefer steak.

JACKIE
What’s Mexican steak?

CARL
Steak made in Mexico?

JACKIE
No, I mean what kind of steak.

CARL
Oh, I thought you were making a joke. Is it salisbury steak?

JACKIE
Dude. Salisbury steak isn’t even real steak. That’s like TV dinner steak.

CARL
Speaking of TV, you up for another game of Dr. Mario?

JACKIE
But what about the Mexican food? We’re so close.

CARL
I’ll eat any damn thing you put in front of me at this point. Just make the call.

JACKIE
Alright, it’s ringing.

CARL
Tacos! I want twenty tacos. Final answer.

JACKIE
Yeah, Hola. I’d like forty tacos delivered please. Gracias. Alright. Our tacos will be here in 5 minutes.

CARL
Sweet. I’m gonna eat so many tacos. Mexican food is confusing.

JACKIE
At least we know we like tacos.

THE END.

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