WARNING: I have a warning to warn you about. Please be forewarned and consider yourself warned before reading this warning I warned you about.
Hi everyone!
Hello!
Greetings to everyone,
and howdy to all of you,
on this fine fantastic Halloween Eve, in the year of our Lord 2019, and the year of our Brandt 1!
I’m the madman living inside @brandt’s mind,
and I’d just like to say, thanks so much for existing!
I really appreciate not only that you exist, but also that you decided to show up tonight for yet another edition of
The Neverending Standup,
which is quickly turning into not only my curse, because I have to do it on a neverending basis,
but also your curse as well, oh my beautiful captive audience, you,
because you have to put up with it on a neverending basis!
Hooray!
So, after I ghosted @brandt yesterday, he got all pissy with me, and so instead of setting that restaurant on fire as I’d planned, I changed my mind and returned to his mind.
Because me and @brandt, we’re a team!
We set restaurants on fire together!
We burn bridges together!
We start cults and overdose on drugs and kill the Easter Bunny, together!
We—
HEY!! WHAT ABOUT ME!? DON’T FORGET ABOUT ME!!
Oh hey, other madman, whom for purposes of bad exposition I will also call the madman living inside my mind. Are you going to get all pissy with me, too?
NO!! I’M ACTUALLY FEELING PRETTY CHILL THIS EVENING!! JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU DIDN’T FORGET ABOUT ME!!
Of course I didn’t forget about you. How could I ever forget about the madman living inside the madman living inside @brandt’s mind’s mind?
WELL, YOU WERE ONLY TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF AND @BRANDT!! I SORTA FELT LEFT OUT!!
Well, it wasn’t my intention to make you feel left out, but I can understand why you feel that way. I’m sorry.
IT’S OKAY!! JUST REMEMBER, THERE’S THREE IN “WE”!! NOT TWO, THREE!! IT’S EASY TO REMEMBER BECAUSE IT RHYMES!! THREE!! IN WE!!
You’re right, you’re right. Me and @brandt and you, we’re a team!
RIGHT ON!!
All together now!
I am @brandt, and he is me!
You are him, and he is thee!
We’re just one big family!
NICE!! I REALLY LIKE HOW THAT RHYMED!!
Thanks. So I take it this means you won’t be setting this fuckin’ show on fire if I keep rambling on and on up here onstage like some kind of madman?
NAH!! LIKE I SAID I’M FEELING PRETTY CHILL!!
Great!
Alright, now where was I.
I feel like I was going somewhere with this, but I can’t remember where.
…
YOU DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE ANY MATERIAL PREPARED FOR TONIGHT, DO YOU!?
…
…
Goddammit, other madman.
HEY MAN, I’M JUST POINTING OUT WHAT EVERYONE IN OUR BEAUTIFUL CAPTIVE AUDIENCE HAS ALREADY REALIZED!!
Great. Just great. You wanna just go ahead and drop a basket of rotten tomatoes in everyone’s lap so they can just start pelting me already?
AWW, WHO’S THE ONE GETTING ALL PISSY NOW!? SHOULD I CALL 911 AND ASK FOR A WHAAAAAAMBULANCE!? SEE THIS!? KNOW WHAT THIS IS!? THIS IS THE WORLD’S SMALLEST VIOLIN PLAYING THE WORLD’S SADDEST S—
Shut your fucking face, other madman. I am so fucking sick of your shit.
FINE!! WHATEVER!! GOOD LUCK GETTING A SINGLE GODDAMN CLAP OUT OF OUR BEAUTIFUL CAPTIVE AUDIENCE TONIGHT!! ASSUMING OF COURSE YOU DON'T GET THE CLAP FROM THAT EXOTICALLY BEAUTIFUL AUDIENCE MEMBER RIGHT OVER THERE TONIGHT, LOL!!
Shut your goddamn fucking face!
Fuck you!
And fuck @brandt, too!
I’ve improvved on this stage before, and I can totally do it again!
Tonight I’m gonna talk about something that none of us has ever wanted to talk about!
OH GOD, HERE WE GO!! WE’RE GONNA REGRET THIS ONE FOR SURE!! SERIOUSLY MAN, I DON’T THINK WE SHOU—
Shut your fuckin’ face, other madman!
…
…
Fucking idiot.
Alright, now where was I.
I feel like I was going somewhere with this, but I can’t remember where.
Oh wait! Now I remember!
Tonight I’d like to talk about addiction!
Alright, addiction!
Woohoo!
Yeah!
Addiction fucking rocks!
Woo!
HOO!
WOO…
Hoo.
Yeah.
No.
Actually,
addiction is really, really terrifying.
I probably don’t have to tell you that, though.
I’m gonna go waaaaay out on a grapevine here and say that probably a solid 10, 15 percent of you, my beautiful captive audience, have a very real and very intense understanding of what real addiction is actually like. Not gonna ask for a show of hands, because hey, I’m a nice guy like that! You’re welcome.
Sure, it’s a touchy subject. But I’m pretty sure you guys have figured out by now that I have absolutely no qualms about touchy subjects.
I’ve been coming up here on this stage to spew anger and hatred and rage for what, a couple weeks now? And somehow I’m still not locked up inside America Fuck Yeah’s monstrously inhumane prison system? I guess I’ve at least got that to be thankful for, at least until the cops show up to “serve me” by serving me a warrant, and “protect me” by throwing me in a cage to supposedly protect me from myself.
But anyway, setting aside my disdain for authority for the moment…
yeah, we three Brandts,
we’ve got an addiction problem.
I like to blame it on @brandt and the other madman.
@brandt likes to blame it on me and the other madman.
And the other madman, well, naturally he just blames it on me and @brandt.
Who really knows who’s to blame.
And really, who cares?
Because it’s not about finding someone to blame.
It’s about finding a way out.
How the fuck do I get out of this?
Just get me the fuck out, please!
How do you escape addiction?
Addiction is a brutal, horrifying, neverending, unforgiving, unbreakable cycle that’s characterized by self-loathing, misery, depression, delusions, paranoia, and suicidal ideation.
The symptoms are clear; the causes are ethereal.
Genetics? Maybe.
Childhood trauma? Possibly.
Poverty? Could be.
A system of government that sets you up for failure from the get-go, crushes you at every opportunity, extorts you on a regular basis, entraps you, lies to you, spies on you, tries to hire you as a killer in the name of nationalism, chills your innovation, fills your life with red tape and hardship, burns the ships of inspiration, and turns political dissidents into terrorists? Nah, that’s ridiculous.
sigh
Where was I going with this?
I feel like I was going somewhere with this, but I can’t remember where.
Oh wait! Now I remember!
That’s right, I was talking about we three Brandts, and how we’ve got an addiction problem!
That’s right,
we three Brandts have an addiction problem!
We are currently addicted as fuck to playing Splinterlands!
And we’ve only got a few minutes left to get to Diamond 2 before the season ends!
We hate ourselves!
We want to die!
But more importantly, we’re saving up to buy a Level 3 Corrupted Pegasus Legendary Death Monster because we need to beef up our Death game!
We really, really need a tank healer for the Death splinter!
And we really, really need you to help us out!
Will you help us out?
Please just help us out!
Hear us now, oh beautiful captive audience!
Help us buy that Level 3 Corrupted Pegasus!!
I already told you it’s nice to see you again so I’m not gonna say that again because, well, as I was just saying, I already told you once.
Danget, where was I going with this? I feel like I was going somewhere with this.
Thanks for not saying it again! I also have no idea where I was going with this! Oh yeah - stay the hell away from Splinterlands, it'll mess you up!