I totally understand where you are at. Wanting the ideal of what society presents as the epitome of giving, and living the dream, is often a pale shadow of reality. Christmas has become so commercialized and insanely expensive that few can afford it. It's also the time when a vast number of people die from holiday stress.

My memories of Christmas are edged with the recollection of my moms manic drama, of trying to make things perfect. This comes with the baggage of my teenage years, when one year i got mono and was left at home alone while my family went out to party, of the years one of my grandparents died and the house was filled with gloom, of the year our house burnt down, of the subsequent decline of my mom into extreme right wing christian ideology which she then tried to impose on her children until they left home.

These days I spend Christmas alone, and try to be thankful that i'm not so broke that I can't afford to eat, that my house didnt burn down again, that no drama took place, that i'm not forced to listen to my mom read from the Bible, that I can choose what to believe without fear of reprisal.

Perspective is everything