Love & Marriage 66 - My spouse is an alcoholic/addict, Part 3

Just a reminder that this comes out of the book of Dr. Stephen Schwambach, "Tough Talk to a stubborn spouse"

If you have not read the first post and second posts, please go have a look at it here:
https://steemit.com/christian-trail/@hope777/love-and-marriage-63-my-spouse-is-an-alcoholic-addict-part-1
https://steemit.com/christian-trail/@hope777/love-and-marriage-65-my-spouse-is-an-alcoholic-addict-part-2

The first two posts dealt with the addict and why you should not divorce an addict. So here is what Dr. Stephen Schwambach advise you to do:

There are three ways to deal with the crisis you now face. You can run, or you can go to pieces... or you can thrive. I've already asked you not to run - at least not all the way. I most certainly cannot advise you to stay and go to pieces. So that means that you must decide to thrive. I have learned that I can thoroughly enjoy the rest of my life while simultaneously in one strategic compartment of my life, my heart is being torn in two.

Concentration camp prisoners learned that while detesting their conditions and expecting death they were able to draw immense pleasure from flowers, sunsets, butterflies, dear friendships and their relationship with God.
I call it "compartmentalization"
It is simple to do, but it is nothing short of magical in its effectiveness.

• In your mind, allow yourself to dwell for a while on the source of your pain - in this case, your addicted spouse. Acknowledge your hurt. Make no attempt to hide it or ignore it If you feel you want to go ahead and cry.

• Work on it awhile, both emotionally and physically. You simply must approach this problem constructively. First, sort through your feelings by talking with a trustworthy friend or by going to a counselor, by taking it to God in prayer - or by all three.
  Then check on a new treatment program you have heard about, read an article about drug-abuse cures. Watch a television special that details the latest options. Order a helpful video from some reputable treatment center. Pick up a book that contains the stories of alcoholics who have beaten the odds. Your objective here is to become the world's foremost spouse authority on understanding coping with and beating addiction.
  Follow that up with a talk to your spouse - either by phone, by email or in person. Inquire about his or her progress. Tell him/her the latest things you have learned about he/she can do to overcome the addiction. Assure your spouse of your love, your support and your confidence of his eventual success.

• Now the most critical step. Having dealt with your spouse's addiction emotionally and pro-actively, allow yourself the satisfaction of knowing that for today you have done everything that is reasonable and loving to do. Imagine with me that you are working on a beautiful tapestry. each day you enter the tapestry room and work on it for as long as your full schedule allows. But it will take you years to complete the intricate, painstaking work. So when your allotted time is up, you smile with a feeling of accomplishment for the little bit you have been able to do today, you walk out of the room and you lock the door.

Certainly, you could allow yourself to be pressured by the tapestry's incomplete state until you were miserable, but that will be foolish. There it is, waiting for you when you are ready to return, kept safe in a separate compartment. So long as you do not leave the door ajar, the unfinished tapestry cannot detract from the beauty and order of the rest of your house, it does not affect the kitchen, the bathrooms, the bedrooms, the living room, the garages or even the yard.

It doesn't matter that things may look a mess in the tapestry room. You have compartmentalized it, so that it simply does not affect the rest of your life! Do the same with the pain of your addicted spouse. Wall it off from the rest of your life. Visit it regularly and deal with it calmly, practically, and even (as often as you need to) emotionally.

But then compartmentalize it. Walk out and lock the door! Why leave the door standing wide open, so that it pollutes the atmosphere of the rest of your life.
This is no mere theory; it really works. This is the way healthy, successful people actually deal with awesome pain and thereby prevent it from destroying their lives. And this is the way that you, the faithful spouse of an addict, can keep your integrity while thoroughly enjoying your life.

Thank you for reading, as mentioned yesterday, I was married for almost 25 years to an alcoholic. I will definitely in the future do follow up posts in how to deal living with an addicted spouse.

Source: Dr. Stephen Schwambach, "Tough Talk to a stubborn spouse"
Images: freelypic, pexels, freepik, pixabay

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