A love that should not have happened

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A love that should not have happened

I guess almost everyone has experienced it before. To fall in love with someone knowing with your logic it's not going to work out, but you still go for it?

3 dreams

One relationship I regret the most was with my best friend some years ago. I started to have some feelings for him and I asked God what He thinks about it. That night I got 3 dreams that tells me: 'he is too young'. I thought it was a dream that meant nothing special. It was not. It was God. I wish I had listened to the dreams. 

Bad start

Feelings came. We started a relationship. It was a difficult one without any good foundation; trust got broken right in the beginning. Why did it still hold on for more than a year? I guess because of feelings and the deep things you share with each other that keeps you together. 

Why not stop?

We tried to stop. Then one of us would not want to let go. Or one wants to let go and the other doesn't want to. Or the stop just holds on for a little while. And both of us wanted to get back to each other. We missed each other.

15 dreams

During this relationship of more than a year, I got 15 dreams from God to tell me to stop this relationship. I ignored. I just couldn't stop. Because I ignored God, I felt like I fell into a black hole. 

Shame

Shame. I felt I betrayed God. I distanced God. No more did I feel His tangible presence. Once you are outside of God's presence, you realize how much you were actually blessed with having peace. It's in the absence of peace, that you find out you were in His peace all the time. Peace was the standard. 

No peace

Outside His presence was no peace at all. Worrying all the time. In fear all the time. Empty inside, very empty. It tasted like a spiritual death. No more did I dare to pray. Until one time, I finally screamed out to Him, one word: 'HELP!'. I was too ashamed to speak more than this word. 

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God answered!

2 weeks later, my boyfriend was sent to the hometown of his father; Suriname. His father urged him to go home or he will cut off his finances. So he had to go. He went for some weeks. It was enough for me to cool down my emotions and think properly. 

A chance

When he came back. He asked for a chance again. My heart was too soft back then. We get back together. So I fell into the black hole again. Again I was feeling spirually all dried up, spiritually dead. After a while, I screamed out to Him again: HELP!

God answered again

And again He has proven Himself to be faithful. 2 weeks later, my boyfriend was sent to his sisters town in the US. She and her husband had their own business to run. But she was pregnant, so my boyfriend had to take over her place to run the business for a long while. Waiting until she gave birth to her child and to recover. Again I could cool down and think properly again.

3 more dreams

Do you already guess it? Yes, he came back and asked for a chance again. I gave it again. THIS TIME God gave a dream. The dream showed this message 3 times: 'No matter what step you try to take, I will stop the relationship right now!'. 

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The end

One day I needed his support. But he wanted to go out and hangout with his friends. I voiced my need to him and he still went. THAT was the end. That day, my heart broke in 1000 pieces. My 2 best friends dropped by to comfort me.

What I learned

Looking back, I wished I never had this relationship. Not only did I lost my best friend. This relationship showed me how much I did not appreciate God. I felt like I betrayed Him. Knowing what He said, but I still ignored Him. 

I also learned one thing after this. When I go for something without examining it well. It can hurt me very bad. And only God knows beforehand who can fit me and who does not fit me at all. No more will I listen to what I want. Once He shows me a sign, I will listen. I will stop. Because that pain was too unbearable. No more do I want that same pain again. I surrender in His hands.

What's the message of this story? 

That no matter how much you went away from God. But once you draw 1 finger into His direction, He will immediately come and save you from your situation. 

My boyfriend got send away within 2 weeks, after I prayed. This happened twice. Coincidence? I don't think so. God listened & answered. That's how faithful He is. We as human might betray Him. But He will never let go of us. Love. Unconditional love. 

I have a God that moves before me, in relationships. My God is great...