Raising the "Black Sheep"

Hello Steemit Community!

My name is Alisha and I’m the mother of two. My children are probably a “traditional” parent’s worst nightmare. The children you think will indoctrinate your children and unravel all your hard work. The work and time you invested in creating a child that conforms to what society deems acceptable. The first mistake any parent ever makes is allowing the belief that a child is their property to encompass their mind. Let’s set this straight. You are their temporary guardian until our “wonderful” government deems them physically and mentally able to make their own decisions. Do you understand the term guardian? A guardian is termed as a protector, defender, and keeper. Nowhere in there did it say anything about your property, leverage for social and economic status, or slave.

A Child Without Boundaries…

"Oh my God that child is out of control he/she has no boundaries". That’s crap. People may view from the outside in, a household erupting with chaos, but frankly their opinions are absolutely worthless. That’s the first step. Being able to completely shut off the opinions of others and their narrow-minded belief of what is right. Which is hard, it goes against our basic human need of being accepted. But to put it simply who do you care more for, people who are willing to cast blind judgement or your child? After breaking from the chains of societal judgement, you’ll feel the weight lifted from your shoulders. Now sit down and start thinking about things you can do or not do to give your child the tools and guidance needed to be a decent human being. My philosophy is that the sooner a child experiences something, the sooner they learn. With boundaries and rules you are just simply prolonging the inevitable. Now I’m not saying let your 6 year old get wasted or give your 3 year old a pocket knife for their birthday. That’s just absurd and goes against your role as a protector. But I am saying relax the rules, lay down arms and work with your child, not against. Just think with fewer rules and boundaries, you have created an atmosphere with less conflict and less tension. Which will make your time as a parent far more enjoyable.

The Things No One Ever Mentions About Parenthood…

No one really ever goes around bragging about how terrible their children are. You typically only hear how great they are. Which has lead us all to believe that everyone's children are perfect and your own are not. To be a fly on the wall in any given household would prove this false. Every parent no matter what rules or boundaries they have in place, struggle with their children and if they say otherwise, they are a big fat liar. It has become taboo and embarrassing to elaborate on our children's shortcomings, for fear they aren't good enough. There you go again caring more about what others think rather than the issues you have with your child. Throw it all away. Chalk it up to, everyone who has kids is struggling with similar issues but are too embarrassed to state it. I've just come to realize that if people actually discussed openly the struggles with parenting the human race would probably cease to exist. It is one of the most difficult jobs ever! Everyday wondering if you’re doing it right and wondering if that one single isolated event will mold your child in a specific way, forever. The thing is whatever is done can be undone, whatever is built can be torn down and rebuilt , or simply just fixed.

Try Them All Until the Right Shoe Fits…

What works for one family doesn't necessarily work for another. That is simply because not all children are the same. This applies even within your own household. Just because certain things worked with your oldest, doesn't necessarily mean they'll work for your youngest. It is up to you as a parent to use trial and error until you find something that works. The thing that makes this whole parenting thing complicated is that parenting isn't linear. It is ever changing and what applied to your daughter when she was 3, just will not apply to her when she is 5, 10, or 16. As a parent it is up to you to evolve with your child’s needs and make the necessary changes to adapt to the growing child. The key to parenting is always being fluid and allowing change. If you are rigid and stuck on how you were raised and how perfect you are, there's a problem and you're not perfect, seriously who are you kidding?

Raising A Child That Asks Questions…

This can seriously be annoying as all hell, but super beneficial for your child as an adult. Probably one of the greatest, yet simplest gifts a parent can give. Don't stop asking questions until you are 100% clear on what's going on and until it's completely understood. I make the mistake of sometimes saying "because I said so" it doesn't work. Stop it! I'm not perfect and it's a phrase I'd like to completely eradicate from my vocabulary. It isn't sufficient, it’s just not good enough, and it's the lazy way out. It's you practicing authority over your child, getting away from the guardian role again are we? I know for my son the line just doesn't cut it, and he asks that question, that extraordinarily annoying question, but a question I hope he continues to ask, "But why?". I’ve come to realize the hassle can be prevented if I just take the time and give him a proper explanation right from the start. When he's satisfied with the response, I find he's more receptive of the message I am trying to convey. I am sorry but “because I said so" is cryptic as all hell and if your coworker, boss, family member, or friend said "because I said so" would you find the response satisfying? mmm most likely not! So why do it to your child?

When You Have a Child That Asks Questions, A Lot of Stuff Just Doesn't Make Sense...

When it comes to your child asking questions, be honest. Remember I said allowing a child to experience things sooner allows them to learn sooner. Honesty is vital. If your child is ready to ask the questions, it's time for the discussion. Don't sugar coat things or feed them just enough to keep them quiet, but not enough for them to be completely satisfied with. When a child approaches you with questions it's because they idolize you, respect you, and trust you enough to confide in you. If you don't give adequate responses or avoid the topic all together because it makes you feel uncomfortable, that connection will slowly diminish and guess what? You find condoms in your 16 year old son’s sock drawer and you didn't even know he was interested in girls, let alone sex. Those things that make you feel uncomfortable, guess what? Your problem! Get over it, for your child’s sake. I'm sure you’re like that escalated quickly, but those little questions matter. You need to answer all of them, honestly and truthfully. Think of each question as a brick that fortifies the foundation in which your relationship with your child is built. If you are honest now, they know you'll be honest later. An example, my son never believed in Santa. There's no room in his mind for lies. Regardless of how small or innocent it is, it's still a lie. I just lied, he did believe for a while, but I was very passive. I never encouraged the belief, but obviously he was surrounded by it. School and family talk you know. The day he came to me and was like "mom it just isn't possible" I sat there and was at a crossroad, do I encourage this wonderfully fabricated lie or do I deal with this now and save us both the heartache later? I decided to tell him it wasn't possible. I wanted him to understand that I would always be honest and that is far more important to me than one day of wonder a year for a short time before the fairytale is ripped from beneath his feet by someone else. Which it always is, some kid at school, overhearing parents, what credibility does that give me? Was that little lie worth the trauma of my son knowing I looked him right in the eye and flat out lied? No, no, and no. It's all bogus and it should be left in the past along with the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Instead focus on teaching your child the importance of real family value. Holidays are a crock, which I'll leave for another blog altogether.

People Will Voice Their Opinions, It's Up To You What You Do With Them...

My son attended a public school in Ontario, in grade 1 the teacher called me in for a meeting. “Your Son has ADHD, he needs to be medicated". Holy hell, I went to the family doctor and he was like “Alisha this is a waste of your time and my time", but referred me to the specialist anyway. Turns out he was a 6 year old boy! I ended up getting fairly angry with the teacher and told her that it was absolutely disgusting that she could sleep soundly with the concept of my son being pumped full of meds, instead of maybe admitting she was failing him as a teacher. We moved my son to a private school with a lower teacher to student ratio and he thrived. Now I could have taken the opinion of the teacher, demanded my son to be medicated so that her life as a teacher was easier, but instead I thought I have managed my son for the last 6 years just fine and because he didn't conform to her cookie cutter idea of what a student should be, he had a problem? No. I wasn't changing who he was with medication for me, for anyone, and most certainly not her. Other parents will also have something to say, typically to others and never directly to you. Just ignore those superficial idiots. Those that live in glass houses shouldn't cast stones. When you can provide me proof that your child gets straight A's in school, is awesome at every sport, can paint a picture better than Picasso, never talks back, and is absolutely perfect in every way, you my dear have officially earned the right to judge or voice any opinion your pretty little face desires, until then shut your trap. Again this all goes back to the mindless sheep and their worthless opinions of what they think is socially acceptable behaviour. Ignore them, don't waste precious time on them, and invest in your child!

Sheep, Black Sheep, and Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing…

Being a sheep portrayed as being the best? The most put together, the ones that never screwed up, or took a step out of line. Number one, their coats aren't as white as they proclaim. Over the years I’ve realized being a sheep sucks. Mindlessly follow and have a pristine public persona and leave all your questions and problems at home. Guess what that creates over time? Wolves in sheep’s clothing. This is a representation of a person rattled with resentment, depression, and an overall daily struggle. They dress and act like sheep, but they are wolves. These people were never given the guidance and tools required to properly function. These are the children that were restricted by rules and boundaries, lied to, given unsatisfying answers their entire lives, unpredictable to say the least. Then there’s the black sheep, always depicted as the outcast, the rebel, the badass. A label created to describe a person that didn't conform to what others believed to be "normal". What the hell is normal anyway? I'd rather have a black sheep over a mindless follower that doesn't ask why something is done . I will continue to parent my children in a way that promotes their independence and their ability to always ask questions. I truly believe it is better to stand alone than to stand with a bunch of mindless sheep that blindly follow. I want my children to never fear going against the grain, to never fear asking questions, and to never fear being themselves. If my children ask too many questions, it's because you failed to answer them properly. For those that ask questions gather the greatest knowledge.