It Was Time I Stopped Lying To Myself...

The Blatant Evidence That I Ignored…

These Are The Facts That Exposed My Ex When He Was Sleeping With Men Behind My Back, And The Excuses I Made…

I've talked of my ex before, Grindr. The individual who single-handedly has made my stomach roll at the thought of ever dating again. However, I don't usually speak of how I found out all of the sordid details, because I hate that I ever actually looked for them.

Not as though I had to look hard, because he didn't really try to cover his tracks. He was either so arrogant or so callous, it didn't matter to him if I discovered him talking to other men about how attractive they found each other's dicks. He wasn't worried about me finding a conversation between he and a gay couple where they spoke of one in his ass, which the other sucked his dick.

Today, years later, I can speak of the things that I found. The conversations I read. The pictures. The video. Yes, that too.
I know that the pain was so searing at the time, and I couldn't express it, because of the shame. I was humiliated. He cheated on me, with men. He slept around on me, with men.
Lord, you should have seen the sheer hatred for me on his face when I asked him, "why didn't you just tell me you were gay?" He tried to choke me to death for that, because "he isn't gay", and "I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about".

The video, plain as the day is long, with his very recognizable birthmark…I evidently made that up. Not the birthmark, the video. Clearly I'm Stephen fucking Spielberg over here, what with my porn production degree and all.

See, it was supposed to be okay that he cheat on me with me. I just was never to acknowledge he was doing so, or ever question him about it. That way, he could continue to pretend that I was the problem. I was the one who was a terrible person.

I Knew When He Spoke To Me In A Shitty Tone, Simply To Start A Fight.
That was how he "had to get away from me", because he had no excuse for leaving the house at 2 or 3 in the morning. He would deliberately start huge fights, scream and throw fits like a spoiled child, then walk out. Hours later, he would return, then start the silent treatment. This way, I knew I was wrong, and that I should apologize for my terrible behavior.

I Knew When He Locked His Phone, And When I Needed To Make A Call To My Own Phone, He Wouldn't Allow Me To Touch His Phone. He Called For Me.
Look, everyone has a right to a level of privacy. However, if anyone needed to pick up my phone and dial their own phone right now, there's nothing that serious that I would see it as a problem. I'm not living a double life, though, so I guess that's why I'm so la-de-dah free and easy with my phone.

I Knew When He Started Telling Me All Of The Things About My Personality That Made Him Find Me Unattractive.
Listen, I have seen guys take home ladies with no teeth and no shoes from the bar when they thought nobody was looking. Hideous hosebeasts. I have held up well over the years. I write comedy, so I know I'm good for a laugh. And yet, somehow, this piece of white Carolina trash couldn't find a single redeeming quality to cause a rustle in his pants? Right. I have nothing rustling in my pants.

I Told Myself That It Couldn't Be, There's Just No Way.
But I knew as I said it, I was lying to myself. He was fucking men behind my back and didn't even care enough to delete the messages and videos.

I may not have known enough to avoid him to begin with, but I knew enough to close the chapter on that narcissistic piece of shit.

Good riddance, fuckface.