Marijuana, sex and PTSD.

I have suffered from Anxiety, Depression and PTSD for a long time from a life full of abuse. My PTSD has caused so much trouble in my life I thought that I'd never be " normal."

When I was young, sex wasn't a real talked about topic. The only things I really knew about it were that it was painful and that's about the only education I'd gotten about it. When I tried to be active, I would be scared and it would hurt to even attempt. I figured one day I'd be able to do it but it would take time.

When I was 21, my ex tried to get me to drink thinking that it would maybe help things. I didn't like the taste of the alcohol so that was a flop. We had talked many times about the topic and I made him promise me that he'd never try to force me or do something without asking/telling me. Well, one night that promise was broken. He forced himself on me. It was very painful and traumatic... so much so that I didn't have sex again and was terrified to even try it for 7 years. I had other people try, only to get mad at me because as soon as they'd get close I would start crying and jump away. Anytime someone tried, my muscles would tense up and I would feel pain immediately. The PTSD of the past event would throw me into a panic attack. I hated it. I wanted to have sex. I wanted to be normal and feel the good things everyone talked about. I felt like I would never get to enjoy sex the rest of my life.

Last year, I met my boyfriend. He was unlike anyone I'd ever met before, but that depressed me. I was sad because I knew that he wouldn't want me. I felt like he deserved so much more than.. me.
We had one day talked about it. I felt a strong connection with him and I felt like if I could trust anyone it would be him. I told him that I wanted to try for him.. but I thought that there's no way I could do it. He had mentioned that he smoked and part of me wanted to try it. I'd never been high really before aside from a random contact high once. We kind of both had the idea of me getting high before trying. I knowing nothing about cannabis, thought that it would just knock me out into a silly blur or something and wouldn't remember the pain, so I figured it was worth a try.

The first time we tried, he brought the stuff and we worked on getting me a buzz. I'd never smoked so it was kind of hard for me to grasp inhaling it enough (And I still have issues with that lol). I remember that night so well. I felt a little lightheaded, but I was still clearly thinking. I had some trouble remembering how much time had passed, but it was nothing like I expected. I was expecting to black out or something.. not have any idea what was going on around me. I was wrong.

I remember lying there, and my worries disappeared. I wasn't afraid anymore. I knew what was happening, and my muscles actually cooperated. I didn't freak out, I didn't cry. I felt calm, and safe for the first time in my life. Of course the first few times were hard, as I have been told by many girls the first times are, but it was nothing like I'd been scared of or experienced that one time. The cannabis not only relaxed my muscles so that I wasn't tense, but it calmed my mind from the fear of past events.

I am now 29 years old, and have had a normal sex life for a year. I only needed to smoke that ONE time to fight off my PTSD for that situation. I was able to get my medical card to help my PTSD, anxiety and depression. Never in my life did I think that I would have a normal relationship, let alone ever have sex. I don't think that I would have ever had the strength to get past this without trying Marijuana to overcome my PTSD.

With all the negativity out there and misinformation about Marijuana, I hope that many people can read about my experience and see that there are more positives and more lives changing for the better.