It’s better to burn the house down than to go through moving.

That’s a sentence I keep hearing a lot which is definitely not because I say it too much. Ok, maybe it is. Because I do move a lot. And I still hate it!

In the last three months, I managed to move exactly four times and I’m talking 3 countries here. So, I proclaimed myself a moving god which means that you should treat all my advice as gospel.

Yes, you have read that right! All your prayers have been heard because I am here to rid you of all your worries and provide you with a super helpful and detailed guide on how to move out of your old place into your newest cave.

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Behold the masterpiece!

2 weeks before MOVING

1. Don’t think about moving.

Moving is the worst, so why stress yourself when you still have so much time on your hands. Take your mind off it – go shopping! Buy yourself something nice, like that huge fragile antique vase or that giant heavy indoor fountain. Treat yourself!

2. Catch up on your Netflix.

Why start putting your stuff into those ugly carton boxes when you can catch up on all your TV series and movies on your wish list? You know that one independent movie this random hipster recommended to you half a year ago? Now is the time to watch it!

3. Make a list.

A shopping list, of course. Moving is incredibly stressful so better stock up on tons of chips, soda and ice cream. Sugar helps a lot. Especially, if you eat it right before you go to bed.

1 week before MOVING

4. Fold the carton boxes…

…and build a box fortress! Bring blankets, pillows, a sack of chips and binge watch on Netflix every day. You deserve the small pleasures; you are moving after all! That’s incredibly stressful.

5. Meditate.

Like I said, moving is nothing but worries and stress, so you better learn to calm your mind down. Download all possible apps for meditation and listen to the sound of the ocean. Thank god, you bought that indoor water fountain! It can provide you with a great ambience for your meditation sessions.

6. Have your friends over.

Depending on where you are moving, you might not see them again. Why not throw a dinner party? For the best effect, move the party to your box-blanket fortress. Your friends will be impressed and admire your balanced before-moving mindset (You see? I told you that meditation is important!)

7. Buy new carton boxes…

…because your friends are assholes that destroyed your fortress.

8. Start taking stuff out of closets, cupboards, drawers…

…and get distracted by every single thing that you find there. Omg, I was looking for this Barbie ever since I was 8 years old! Why not play with it again? Now, I better find that Ken doll somewhere… 

3 days before MOVING

9. Build paths.

So much stuff is lying around. Build safe passages from your bed to the bathroom and the fridge. Those are the most important ones!

10. Categorize your stuff.

Recommended categories:

• Useless stuff you will never throw away.
• Useless stuff you should throw away, but you won’t.
• Useless and heavy stuff that you absolutely need.
• Useful stuff. (Those boxes are highly likely to get lost or forgotten, so don’t get attached to them!)

1 day before MOVING

11. Empty your fridge.

Eat all the perishables. Eat all the cans. Eat everything. Eat your fridge – it’s too heavy anyway.

12. Pack up.

Randomly throw all your stuff into boxes and bags, regardless of the categories. Who has time for labelling anyway?

13. Eat, pray, cry.

You can’t eat anymore ice-cream because you already ate everything. How tragic. Now is the time to cry.

14. Stay up all night.

It’s important to convince yourself to continue packing your stuff. That is, however, only necessary to do in your head. In reality, you will spend half your night half crying and the other half watching Supernatural.

MOVING DAY

15. Break down.

16. Find help.

Make all your family members and/or friends help you. They’re supposed to support you, so what’s the big deal? Maybe they’ll even take you for a pizza because they will feel sorry for you.

17. “Forget” half of your things.

Goodbye to all my useful stuff! Time to cry again.

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18. Move in.

Make all the people who showed up to help you out of pity walk up all the stairs to the 3rd floor with all your boxes and bags. They better not break your giant and heavy fountain of peace!

19. Leave your boxes unpacked.

Now you can build a brand-new type of fortress. Nothing will tear it down!

1 week after MOVING

20. Leave everything unpacked.

What if you are going to move again soon? Better be prepared than go through all the hell again.

21. High-five yourself!

Someone needs to appreciate all your hardwork and who better than yourself can do that? You have your useless stuff, your fortress, your giant fountain – life is good! Time to stock up ice-cream again because that new episode of Game of Thrones is not going to watch itself!

There you have it! I think managed to cover the most important points on how to move out/in. And you have to believe me because I am the expert here, obviously. You can tell that from my detailed guide, duh.

If you happen to have any question about the process, feel free to ask me. So far, I am providing advice for free, so take the opportunity while it stands.

@vendee out