Its me just me

Everyone knows by now that this is bullshit. It’s a lame reason to not have to deal with problems.

Right?

Well, these are words that are very hard to hear because they’re almost always said in the worst time possible. However, there are situations in which these words are true. I’m going to prove that in this piece with one example.

After ending it with my partner at the time, I told myself I would never open up to anyone the same again.

This is my body letting me know ‘that hurt us for a long time, let’s not go through that again’.

For a couple of years after, she would ask every few months to meet up, talk it out. . . To which I agreed on occasion.

Half curious, half optimistic.

She was a better person, she said. I took the time to see if it was true, and deep down, I could see that she was, I thought. So why wouldn’t I give her a second chance?

My heart had closed itself from her.

Deeper than deep down, I knew she was disastrous to my being.

Every time we met to speak about us I would end the conversation with give me time.

My conscious mind was rational but everything else was still in shock. Subconsciously, I knew.

I do not want to even allow the option of the possibility of going through that again.

In reality I was just waiting for my heart to make up its mind. I would bring up all these scenarios in my head and basically had my heart pick and choose.

You know when your body physically hurts and you poke yourself blindly around where you think it hurts so you can figure out where the strongest pain signal is because then your brain can assume that to be the origin of the pain?
It felt like that to converse with my heart.
The good times were great, and the bad times were the worst in my life.

It was clear to me after some time of thinking that every feeling I had was with a shield up. That was it. I understood I couldn’t be with her.

I became an extremely cautious person. Anything that reminded me of the worst experiences made my insides feel like they had their fists up. I’d verbally speak out against it like a reflex.

My subconscious was making sure I was alive, and not just surviving.

I knew this, but I didn’t know this. Not until much time later when I wrote this down.

She was always a great girl when her brain was fully there. She got help and seemed to be that great girl again, I thought. She changed.

She had her life in order and from what she told me she was enjoying life, but there was something missing that she never got back.

I told her it’s not you, it’s me.

I explained that I forgave her for all the bad that happened but my heart didn’t have the same mercy. Maybe it had absolved her of guilt, but it just didn’t want anything to do with her anymore.
This fear became insulation for the walls around my heart. To this day I believe this is what “It’s not you, it’s me” means.

The ability to clearly and verbally agree or be of accord to the situation mentally, but to have something inside strongly tell you otherwise.

Anyone can change for the better — but a heart in pain is never healed, it’s just repaired. Reconstructed to be bigger but not to be used the same.

Especially not with the person that caused the pain.

You will love, and you will love again deeply, but you will have an escape button this time that you didn’t have before. It’s not your fault that your instincts exist. In the end, if you really listen, you’ll know better.

Your heart will forever thank you. Credits Rubaro