My Knowing--I'm Back!

"Brave means living from the inside out. Brave means, in every uncertain moment, turning inward, feeling for the Knowing, and speaking it out loud."
-Glennon Doyle

My Knowing tells me one thing: Whether we get together or not, whether he is the one or the one that got away, a near miss or a dodged bullet, I will find for myself a meaningful, loving, agape experience of a relationship. I know that deep down I will have what I’m looking for.

My Intuition cannot say whether I should run from him or to him, but my Intuition can tell me whether I should look inside myself or inside the world. This time, I need to look inside and hold closely my Knowing. This is not clinging to what I know but clinging to the Truth that will be known.

It’s faith. A faith that there is a plan or, at the very least, meaning and purpose. I can get caught up in the minutiae of his behavior, what he said, what he meant, etc. I can get caught up in the “right thing to do” based on that behavior, try to delineate between compassion and complacency. I can and maybe should to some extent. But, at the end of the day, what matters is that I do the right thing for myself and for my soul—the success of which is not contingent on one choice, but a series of choices. These choices are choices to grow and develop into the best version of myself rather than choices for experiences that affirm the cycle of self-perspective.

I wanted to journal to think about how he hurt me and what he did and, mostly, make sense of our phone call in my mind to help me know how to feel. And while I’m tempted to do that, I think its way more beneficial to allow myself to just feel.

So as I sit in my Knowing, my body tells me:

1. I am sad to not have something I want right now.
2. I am hurt that I was not seen in a way that I see myself.
3. I am afraid of being alone.
4. I am afraid of uncertainty.
5. I dread being with people who have something I don’t.
6. I dread missing out on an experience.
7. I’m ashamed that I have not asked for help with this situation yet.
8. I’m ashamed that I keep having situations like this.
9. I am afraid of making a detrimental, irreversible mistake.
10. I am disappointed I could not be enough.
11. I am disappointed I do not have more evidence that I am enough.
12. I long for someone else to tell me I’m more than enough.
13. I long to be needed, to show someone else how more than enough they are.
14. I am proud of my ability to stay calm, respectful, and compassionate even when I was hurt.
15. I am proud for taking the time to self-reflect in a way that is growth oriented.
16. I am relieved that I do not feel regret or guilty.
17. I am strong for the way I am dealing with this situation.
18. I am hopeful that I will be stronger next time.
19. I am hesitant, but willing, to put my heart on the line again.
20. I am content after attending to my Knowing.

And now, a quote from my love:

“When you have lived your individual life in your own adventurous way and then look back upon its course, you will find that you have lived a model human life, after all.”

-Joseph Campbell