Am I a robot? Apparently.

So, a few months ago, when a particular event happened, my GF got annoyed at me because she felt that I was cold, didn't express myself, and don't share emotionally with her. I explained to her that is the opposite of the truth. I feel things super intense, so much so that it is hard for me to function when something gets me to that point. If I get too angry, I just see red and rage out, so I keep myself from getting to that point.

I explained to her that what I have been doing for years, is taking the emotional event and moving it to the logical/analytical section of my brain. I come up with the most logical way of reacting to the situation, so that I don't overreact and cause more problems.

She looked at me as if I was insane, and told me that that is not normal or healthy. I didn't know what to say, as this is how I have been for over a decade.

After trying to deal with this on my own, with no significant results, I recently started going to see a therapist, as now there is this wall up between my GF and I. It was probably already always there, but I didn't realize it and she was able to deal with it better...until it became too much for her to bear.

What I have found out so far is that, due to the emotional trauma that I went through growing up, I subconsciously see sharing my emotions as a bad thing. If I share my emotions, then people will leave me and not love me. This has become so ingrained in me that I don't really even know how to feel most emotions, the majority of them make me feel awkward and uncomfortable.

I am not sure how this will all work out, hopefully I will be able to find a happy medium between feeling nothing and feeling everything so intensely that I can't function. That is a fear that I have, as when I would get angry, or sad when I was a kid, I would have a complete meltdown, losing control, having panic attacks, crying, being on the floor in the fetal position, etc. If anyone came towards me to try to calm me down it would only get worse, the only way that I could get back to manageable was by being left alone to calm down.

I don't want to be like this anymore, the trauma that I dealt with growing up is no more, I don't need to have these walls up, preventing people from truly knowing me, keeping them out, possibly losing the love of my life because of my inability to connect emotionally. It tears me up inside, not being able to express how she makes me feel, or when there is an issue, not being able to express how it makes me feel.

I don't want to be a cyborg Spock...but that is who I am right now. At least I know what the problem is and am working towards a solution.

• Wiggums, The Wanderer