To Date or Not to Date

I didn't want a relationship.

I didn't want to have someone rely on me. I didn't want to hold someone back or waste their time. I didn't consider myself worthy of love.

But here I am.

My first relationship crept up on me in spite of how many times I said I wasn't ready, and it has been proving me wrong since. I am ready.

That being said, waiting until I was ready was only an excuse, what I was actually waiting for was to be perfect. But I've now accepted now that I will never be perfect, and neither will my partner, no matter how many times I tell myself he is. I keep thinking, "I don't deserve him," and "I'm going to screw this us." Both of which might be true, but is that a reason to not try?

My answer used to be yes. It's easier to give up than to fail, especially when failing comes with a broken heart. I didn't want to open myself up to someone when it comes with the risk of rejection. Vulnerability has always been a fear of mine, yet something inside me shifted when I said met this man. The fear of letting him slip through my fingers was so much scarier than that of failure.

If I had waited until I was ready, I'd be waiting forever, and I can't ask that of either of us. There's so much in life I need to work on, but there's no rule saying I can't be in a relationship while doing so. I still have value. I can still love. If anything is going to ruin this for me, it's my lack of confidence in myself.

But I will say, my choice in partner has made all the difference. Had he not been so patient and understanding I might not have gotten to this point. He makes me want to be better while still feeling loved for who I am.

I am lucky to have him, and he could not have come at a better time.