SSRIs Gave Me My Life Back

My doctor finally talked me into taking antidepressants (Escitalopram) little over a year ago and I've been grateful ever since. I had lots of concerns about them, namely the suicidal and numbing side effects, but I've been fortunate on that front. I do feel slightly numb, but overall I'd say I feel more emotions now, being able to go out into the world and experience more than I ever could crippled by anxiety.

One of the best things to come out of it was meeting my boyfriend, who I had been texting for some time but too afraid to meet. Rejection was unfathomable and I figured that was a sure thing due to my lack of social skills. Turns out that was the anxiety talking. Shocking, right?

But that's not all I was able to do. Working was easier, though I still can't manage a full-time conventional job. I can go for a walk alone, I have an easier time holding a conversation, and I spend less time afterwards rethinking and regretting everything I said.

But these improvements came from the antidepressants alone. They gave me the boost I needed to start living my life, and most importantly, to make mistakes. One slip up in a conversation used to be such a big deal for me, I'd dwell on it for years. Now I can laugh it off or shake my head and forget it. I can't begin to explain how freeing that has been.

It's surprising how helpful they have been actually, considering the initial reason I went on them was to get my butt to therapy. I had been trapped in a catch-22 of needing to talk to someone for help, but needing help to be able to talk to someone. So pills were my way out, and when I was finally ready to seek help, Covid-19 struck and waitlists got even longer. I don't have the money for the private sector, so now I'm stuck waiting for free psychiatry and counselling. Because of that, it looks like I'll be on these meds for longer than I wanted, and I do worry about becoming reliant on them.

More than that, I do think I am more irritable now, I have a harder time focusing and staying still, and there are times where I care so little about social cues I find people getting annoyed, namely when I won't shut up. These were all so new to me that they were a little out of hand at first, but with time I've gotten better at controlling them, and even harnessing their power for good. Can't sit still? Great, do some chores! Can't shut up? That's fine, just write instead!

Overall, antidepressants have helped a lot, and I'm quite happy with where I'm at now.

Still, I look forward to the day I won't need to rely on pills.