A story about getting rid of jealousy and becoming a better person

I don't tell this story often because it's a little embarrassing to talk about. Most people aren't very happy to open about envy, and I am no exception. But I want to write about this because I think, especially in this age, and maybe especially in my culture, jealousy is the default setting.

Now, I never thought I was an envious person. I'm very competitive, and I want to be as good as the rest of them. But I didn't explore my relationship with that competitive aspect of myself until relatively late in life, after I had completed a brutal workout.

I was sitting in a pool of sweat, in a sauna when I was around 23, and I wondered about my undergraduate studies and why I was so terrible at Computer Science. I put in the work, there can be no question about that. But that element of grit was missing. I was always such a good student in high school, so why were all my college friends so much smarter than me?

I tried blaming it on the school for so long. I even tried blaming it on my parents for coercing me into a field that I didn't enjoy. Maybe there is more than a kernel of truth to both those elements. But what I discovered that day was a lot more powerful.

A friend of mine, we'll call him John, ( but he's in CS, so you can guess his real ethnicity), was incredibly good naturally. I would resent him for it, in my head. Who the hell does he think he is, finishing assignments in a day that took me a 2 weeks? I couldn't stand the sight of him, and some days I didn't want to be around him.

The truth is, I couldn't stand someone being better than me despite giving my all. I didn't like losing. Hell, I still don't.

But something changed with that thought. Of course! The reason I did badly in college is because I pushed such a guy away. He was my friend! Why didn't I ask for help? Why didn't I study with him? Why didn't I try to become more like him? It all made sense, at that moment. My competitiveness was informed by envy. And indeed, I think, on the broader spectrum, in Indian culture, that is how competitiveness is. A mother is always chiding her child; why aren't you as good as so and so in studies? It's an attitude that carries forward generationally.

The trick is to accept it. Accept that someone is better than you. Humble yourself, and feel happy for their successes. You have to genuinely wish them the best. You have to acknowledge that they will probably always be better than you.

If you can do that, then you can begin to learn like them. They can, through example or even through helping you, show you how to become at least 50% of what they are. And that's a significant change! A change you would've never gotten if you were jealously competitive.

Because in the end, nobody you are competing against is an enemy. You can learn from everyone, and if everyone does well in life, it makes for a better environment for you! Win win, right?

We all learn silly lessons that are cliches, and here is mine. The true competition will always be within. The goal is to get better, not to dominate other people. Competing harmoniously will bring better results to everyone. Why not give it a shot?