5 (non) children's questions about family change

Parents' divorce, moving to another apartment, having a child in a new marriage ... Such events also cause stress in adults, and children experience them twice as painfully. How best to prepare a son or daughter for change? When and what to talk about?

Stable family, warm and predictable relations with close people, agreement between mom and dad - this is the main thing that is necessary for the child. “Predictability is what makes the world a safe and trustworthy world for a child.”

If this stable construction falls apart, the child feels very anxious.

This is always expressed in different ways: one ceases to sleep soundly, the other begins to behave aggressively, the third one is constantly capricious. Older children may have problems at school, with teachers, peers ...

What is the best way to help children in times of change?

1. Tell us about the changes together. It is advisable to do this in advance, anticipating the questions of the child, and - together. It would be better if the parents tell the child about the coming divorce. On the new marriage / marriage and the expectation of another child - with his new partner. If the question is about the relationship between half-brothers-sisters, then half-brothers-sisters should also be invited to participate.

The child will see: there is agreement between adults, they do not conceal anything from each other. Paired arrangements, for example, between mother and son, behind the back of other family members, usually become the starting point of conflict, division.

2. Agree. But before talking with a child, adults need to discuss all the difficulties among themselves and take a coordinated position as far as possible. The child should not be a tool to clarify the relationship between adults.

The more “earthly”, concrete, everyday color the conversation has, the more reliable the child gets

3.  Calm down. A stable emotional state is a necessary condition for a conversation with a child. He must see your confidence: she lets him feel that the world is not collapsing. “Infection” with negative emotions is a bad companion in the discussion of such an important topic as life changes.

4.  Confess your love. For many children's questions lies the main question to the native person: do you need me? Will you leave me just as Dad (Mom) did? Therefore, all answers should end with a manifestation of love, care, tenderness, confirmation that you will always be with him.

5.  Draw the future. Children rarely expect deep conversations from us. They need the stability and predictability of everyday life. The more “earthly”, concrete, everyday shade a conversation has, the more reliable support a child receives.

Be sure to tell us what his daily routine will be. Who will take him to the garden, who will pick him up from school, check his lessons, feed him lunch. Even before traveling, it makes sense to tell what toys he can take with him, where you will live and what to do.

If you are expecting another child in your new family, say: “When your brother / sister is born, caring for him will require a lot of time and attention. But you can always turn to me (dad or mom) with the request: "I would like to be alone with you."

I collected a few common questions that may bother children when parents divorce and other family changes.

SUMMARY BROTHERS AND SISTERS

“My new brother, my stepfather’s son, tells me what to do. He is the eldest. Should I obey him? He's not native! ”Piter, 9 years old

Psychologist's answer: At this age, when relationships even between siblings become especially explosive, the step-brother's instructions may turn out to be simply unbearable. But be that as it may, there are rules that must be followed in all circumstances. If the elder brother asks to leave his room / not to take his thing without asking / to give him the conditions for the case - he is right. And in this case, his request must be fulfilled. But all family members have the same rights.

The remaining requirements can be clarified, negotiate or say "no", but reasonably. Should parents intervene? It is best if the parents first offer the children themselves to negotiate among themselves - unless the adults have witnessed a situation of obvious humiliation or aggression. You can offer this option to children: “You have 5/10 minutes for you to agree. If your dispute turns into a strong quarrel or fight, we enter the room and make our own decisions. ”

NEW FAMILY

“Mom wants me to call my stepfather dad. But I do not like him. I don’t know where my dad is. ” Misha, 6 years old

Psychologist's answer: A child may not call his stepfather father if he does not want. But I know that in some families adults put pressure on children for some reason. For example, relatives and adopted children live together in the same house, and my father wants everyone to call him the same.

Pressure is a special kind of child abuse. Which can be avoided only in one way - two adults agree with each other, perhaps with the participation of a specialist. In severe cases, the child can seek help from other relatives (grandmothers, uncles and other relatives).

DIVORCE

“Mom and dad now live separately. I like to be with dad and his new wife. And I want to celebrate New Year there. And mother does not allow. " Maria, 8 years old

Psychologist's answer: A girl should talk to her dad about her desires. And ask him to negotiate with mom. But the child should not mediate in adults between whom there is no contact. This burden is heavy for him.

In general, the main rule for parents, when the child lives in two houses, is not to scold each other behind his back and not to stand in a bad light in front of the child. "Your mother will never feed you like this," says her father with a smirk. “Your dad, I suppose, overwhelmed you with the 35th box of Lego to bribe?” The mother says pejoratively. There is nothing worse than this.

With all the other difficulties of life in two houses - with a change of mode, different living conditions, food - the child is able to cope.

MOVING

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“We left for another district, and I was enrolled in a new school. Now I can't see my friends. I really miss and cry. What should I do? ”Katrin, 12 years old

Psychologist's answer: Missing your friends is, of course, and Kate’s chagrin is very clear to me. Everyone faces it. Talk with your daughter about her friends, look at the photos, remember the stories from their lives.

And be interested in what is happening in her new class and in general at school. Are there any interesting guys that she likes in the new team, and what does not. If the child, in principle, has no serious difficulties in communicating with his peers, then contacts will be improved in the new school. It just takes time to get used to unfamiliar surroundings.

FATHER HAS LEADED

“Dad now has another family, and a little baby was born there. He rarely calls and has not come for a long time. I am afraid that he will soon forget about me. ” Sveta, 6 years

Psychologist's answer: Unfortunately, there are unreliable, unpredictable people among fathers and mothers, and they can really forget about the child for a long time. In such a difficult situation, the emotional stability of the second parent is extremely important. When you are calm and happy, the child also ceases to perceive this situation too badly.

In no case can not deceive your daughter, encouraging the words: "Dad remembers you, he is just very busy." Difficulties cannot be called temporary: if dad doesn’t even remember the child’s birthday, how can you be sure that everything will be safely resolved soon? Why keep the child in this illusion?

Do not evaluate the father in any way, nor embellishing him or condemning. Say what is: “You have me, Mom, and I love you. I don't know what exactly is going on with dad. Perhaps he is now not easy, I do not know. But I am ready to make our life as warm and cozy as possible. ”

And an older child, about 12 years old, can be offered: Imagine that you grew up and you can tell dad everything you want. What would you say to him? Write about what you feel in your diary now. Then, when you grow up, you will show your dad your diary. Or you can talk to him on these topics.