Unredacted unedited Stories I tell myself in stream of consciousness while fighting off a bad habit craving.
These are the bad stories, the stories that if I told my friends and loved ones, they wouldn't believe me. They would argue with me and tell me why I'm wrong. So in the next post and beyond I will be my own friend and loved one, my own best friend.
Bullshit follows:
I am failing. I don't know how to connect with people or find them. I isolate myself more and more. This is my life as an introvert and a person damaged in unnamed ways throughout childhood and on. I am old now and no one that I'd like to date would want to date me. I am only worthy of other damaged people. I only seem to get attracted to damaged women. I count myself out and get intimidated by the women that I really want, the really worthy ones who I'd be able to lead a happy life with. They wouldn't like me. I would fail in demonstrating my best self, I wouldn't be able to help but display my weakness. They will reject me and I will feel worse. They will like me but then I will blow it somehow, I will disappoint them socially or privately in the bedroom. My insecurities will take over. I'm too messed up for anyone. I've ran all my life. I've never been able to have a good relationship because I hate myself. I'm never good enough, there's always a reason. Right now I think they will look at me as though I'm old. And my chin has gotten fat like a bullfrogs.
I don't have a job right now. I may never get another one. I don't know where I'm going in life. I'm fat and out of shape. People look at me and think loser. I dress poorly. I have no social life so that will show when I date and things will fall apart.
Even if I get a job I'm going to fail at it. I've always been unhappy, or I quickly fall back into unhappiness.
I'm unmotivated. I always try and fall backward. Especially with alcohol and ability to find a woman, to find a date, create a date.
Today I very much want to go to the store, get a six pack and get drunk. I ask myself why. I play out the scenario to tomorrow and I see it being bad. I see myself regretting it tomorrow, beating myself up for not facing the real desire in me. The real desire is to escape this fear of being hurt. If I try, it will lead eventually to me being hurt; that is the fear. If I apply for jobs, I will either not get called, or get called and not get the job, get the job, hate it, do so poorly that I get let go, then be even more hurt and sad. If I don't get a job, then I will continue to drain my savings, continue to sit in limbo, getting more sad, more frustrated, more impotent to face life. If I attempt to overcome this fear, this procrastination, this anxiety, depressed moods, despondent moods, I will again fail eventually, like always, I will not pass go and I'll end up in jail for three turns. then get sent back to go like it just started but worse off.
As I type this crap, I realize that it's crap, but something in me hangs on. I just now had the urge to get up and buy that beer. It doesn't take away the pain, it actually creates more pain. I feel worse when I drink... unless I drink to the point that I pass out... I have a goal to reach and it is attainable- drink until I pass out.
If you went out there and truly believed in yourself, escaped doubt, accepted who you are as is, and grew by sometimes making the shot and sometimes getting shot. If you presented yourself, your entire being emanated, I AM THE MAN, then you went out and said what you wanted to say, enjoyed like you want to enjoy, didn't even consider that others judged you on a few actions, do you give up when it's because you simply lost interest, found a greater interest? Only when you find a greater interest? and only when you know it doesn't have to do with being scared to do what's necessary? ….And I fear that life will get in the way, the sucker punches, the "I have a job but it's at night and I feel like a zombie all the time, so I'll become this person when I get off nights." When will I become the person that stops destroying himself? that stops acting against his own best interest? That gets caught up in anxiatation?I just made up an awesome word. When will I stop running to my abusive saviors, abusive comforts, at these trying times? When will I instead Run straight at it? Take it as a queue and use it as food, as candy, as alcohol? Just run FASTER! the cross country match is starting to hurt, I want to stop, so does everyone else, so that means that now is the exact time to run faster, get deeper, find the higher gear, the magic gear. the exhaultation gear, the flow gear, floating on inertia gear... the runners high. the focuser's high, the resolute's high, the focuser's high, that's the meditator's high, the higher realm of consciousness.
...And I still want to just not, and instead go get that six pack.