Turning Down The Dial

The last couple of weeks have been very difficult for me with my ongoing health saga. I've been reminded of the constant insurance battle I'm up against, and the fact that I'm not in control of my own treatments. I've also been reminded of the most devastating part of the cycle I've been on - the constant loop of hope and dashed hopes. That's something to dive into for another post, though.

The biggest problems started when I had a cortisone injection in my shoulder a little over a week ago. I've had many of these in the past, some of which caused me some some emotional issues due to the amount of steroids I had injected in me over a short period of time; however, this time I had more of an adverse physical reaction, as the injection seemingly caused stiffness in my neck and a dramatic increase in my migraines.

I like to use the analogy of a turn-dial when it comes to my migraines and my tolerance to them and my ability to function. Most days I hover between 3 to 6 (out of 10), and while it's difficult, I've learned to be able to do things like participate in some social functions and do limited amounts of work while dealing with it. Now, before you judge, realize I am talking about migraines, and that my migraines are constant - as in, they don't go away, at all. It's one thing to soldier through things knowing you can pop some aspirin or rest and it go away, but for me I don't have that luxury. Often when I do things, I do so knowingly that over time my migraines will only increase in severity (sometimes it hits me the next day). Going with the turn-dial analogy, I know that as I participate in things that don't involve me resting, I am knowingly allowing that dial of migraines and pain to be turned up. Even right now as I type this small post I am doing something that is increasing my migraine because I am using my right arm and holding my head up unsupported.

As I said before, though, I've learned to cope with a measure of pain, and I believe most people would be able to adapt in the same manner I have. I've learned that my "limit" as far as doing things is usually reaching a 7 (out of 10); however, when I reach that level I know that whatever I am doing, I need to finish it quickly and that I need to get to a place where I can rest and hopefully apply an ice pack to my head/neck/shoulder.

The real problems arise when I reach that 8 or 9 on the scale. It's rare my migraine gets this bad, but when it happens things get scary for me. I start to get irrational, delusional, faint, etc... It's when things get like this for several days in a row when I get in a really bad place. This happened last week after the adverse reaction to the cortisone shot. I had around 4 days where my migraines were getting to that level, and I was having a difficult time calming them down. The best I could get them to was a 6 or 7, and if I did anything other that rest, I would quickly get back to those bad numbers.

Luckily things subsided for me by the end of last weekend, but it took an extreme amount of rest and inactivity to do it. I'm still recovering from it this week, and it's in times like this where I can get depressed because I still have a necessity to work - still feel the need to participate in family and friend functions. My body and mind are beyond exhausted, but I have to soldier on.

Sometimes I wish things were as simple as the turn-dial analogy. I wish there was a way for me, or anybody, to turn down that dial of pain and migraines at will.