The Most Fortunate of Women or Maybe This is a Dark Humor Blog

Well, it's not even 6:00 am and I am already high from the smell of magic markers.

I don't usually get high. I mean, not on purpose. However, for someone who doesn't use any street drugs or abuse any prescription medication, I spend more time high than you would think.

It's just the way I'm set up. Super sensitive to anything that can alter your perception. So I have paradoxical reactions to medications, have to take medicines in half doses, and once had an out of body experience at a Bob Dylan concert because everybody but me was smoking marijuana.

And I'm on a lot of medication. I have some problems ( don't we all) .... the big ones are vertigo, seizures, tremor, and mild cognitive impairment. That last one is because I hit my head one too many times falling over because of the vertigo and seizures. Oh, and I'm a little anxious, at least clinically.

Even in this modern age, people still give you the side eye if you say you're anxious. But really, you'd be anxious too if you had to worry about passing out in the street and getting robbed by a passing transvestite.

Though almost all of the transvestites in my community would help me out in an emergency. They'd help anybody out. There is just one, I don't know her name, who hangs out near the CVS. She broke into somebody's car once. The lady with the hajib who works the register told me to watch out for her. I also don't know the name of the lady with the hajib. Or at least I don't remember it. She might have told me her name while I was picking up the medication for my mild cognitive impairment.

You can see the nature of my problems.

However, none of this explains why I am getting high off of a magic marker at 5:30 in the morning. The reason is that I am packaging up some of the stuff I sold on eBay and I have lost the sharpie that I use to write addresses on packages. Most people just print shipping labels of course, but me and any kind of electronics are....not a match. There'll be more on that later if you come back and read other posts.

Why am I selling stuff on eBay? Well, right now, it's pretty much what passes for my job. I had a great job, and technically I am still on disability from it, though that benefit is set to run out....lets see...sometime in the next five minutes. The job involved handling thousands of dollars of other people's money. Amazingly, the disability insurer thinks I could certainly go back and do this job even though I can no longer balance my own checkbook. Well, that's not true. I can do it, it just takes all day.

Anyway, the job is in my past.

What's in my future? Hmmm. A divorce. A divorce is definitely in my future. In fact, I just put the papers in an envelope and wrote the address in magic marker. The magic marker is bright purple. I bet the law office doesn't get much correspondance addressed in purple magic marker. At least it isn't glitter magic marker. Do I have a glitter magic marker? I should check.

But don't worry, the divorce is not making me anxious. At least not much. My ex and I separated three years ago, right after the seizures got bad. My ex explained that he is "not a caregiver" and couldn't even take care of himself, let alone another person. He was also kind of angry that I was sick and it didn't look like I was going to be able to provide the level of second income he was used to.

So when my friends came around to check on me they found things...somewhat disorganized in the house. The first seizure medicine I tried didn't really work and it had some side effects. Donna came by one day, for instance, and noticed that the burners were lit on the stove with nothing on them and I was wearing a stained nightgown. I was trying to explain that the crows in the neighborhood didn't like waffles. Reasonably concerned, she tried to discuss the gravity of my situation to my ex. He was mostly bewildered that I hadn't made any dinner, but we were fortunate because Donna had brought over some chili. I think that might have been because I hadn't had anything to eat that day. Or maybe it was a couple of days.

My ex is not a bad person. He behaved badly. I realize now that he behaved badly, though it took me some time to reach that conclusion.

My friends all had been planning a kind of intervention. Each one had explained that my living conditions were a little bit dangerous. But my friend Bex is a solutions oriented person. The minute I said I was ready to leave, she helped me pack, loaded me and my few boxes in her car and I was out. She and her husband installed me in their little attic bedroom. At the time I was pretty sure I could pull myself together and get an appartment in three months.

Of course, later that week I left the house having forgotten to pull my shirt down over my bra, so Bex was right when she told me she thought it might take longer than three months.

Meanwhile, back at the rancher, my ex was in shock. He couldn't understand how I could leave him with almost no warning. He was shocked that I had left him with so many responsibilities.He told me that I had left him bereft, confused, and that the dog had to go out way more times then he ever realized

How I miss that dog!

I really felt that I had done my ex wrong. He told me all about how he had become a MIGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) and that I had ruined his hope of ever having another romance. I had caused him to lose all faith in women. I mean, that's an awful thing to do to a person. So when we wrote up our separation agreement, I let him have the house. And the furniture. Pretty much everything I had left behind. Even the dog.

Hmmm. I realize that, for a humor blog, this is getting kind of dark. Maybe it's a dark humor blog. I'll have to check and see if there is a tag for that.

This is my first post. If you haven't already figured it out, I don't really know what I'm doing. But I remain undaunted. After all, most of the time now I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm still doing stuff.

So, to recap, so far I have lost my marriage, my house, my job, my balance, my driver's license and a fairly large portion of my mind.

But I have not lost my friends. I have not lost love, because I now have a the (friend certified) World's Best Boyfriend. I have not lost my family -my parents, both in their 80's, are in great health and have a lot of energy which they mostly use to give me unsolicited advice. It's true that my brother has passed away, but my nephew is an Eagle Scout. My niece is a film maker and badass feminist. So I have their adventures, which are just beginning, to follow. I even have a parrot. Sure she has some kind of parrot mental health problem, but who am I to judge? She's green, she's angry....she might be the incredible hulk. Man I hope not, because then I'll have to get her a much larger cage.

And I haven't lost my sense of humor.

The truth is, I consider myself the most fortunate of women. And, as I tell you with each post how it's going as I travel through my days, I hope you'll come along and share in my good fortune.