What I Know Now; an Open Letter to My Recent-Teenagers

If I knew then what I know now about raising teenagers, I would have had fewer sleepless nights. Instead of succumbing as I occasionally did to panic and fear, I would have known that this boat would right itself and the passengers, though wet, would be better for the ride.

What I know now is that I never really had much control, and that you would make your choices - right or wrong - we would all learn from them. My responses, which I thought were always chosen with best intentions, I realize now were sometimes the thinly disguised emotional reactions I was trying to avoid. While I intended to be part of the solution, there were times I was very clearly part of the problem.

And I forgive myself that.

What I know now is raising children is all a part of a grand scheme. While we focus our attention on helping our teenagers develop and learn and grow and listen and experience and consider and think…. we, the parents are doing all those things too. This is all about my growth and development, too. And I am a different – and better – person for having gone through this with you. And I am grateful that I have experienced this with my eyes – and my heart – and that I have usually been open and available for learning. For I have learned. You have taught me a lot.

What I know now is that you must make your mistakes. To deny you your opportunity to make mistakes is to deny you the richest soil from which the unique you will blossom. I had the privilege of planting you as a seedling in our family way back when. You had no choice about our home, our values, or our adult decisions for how our family functions and lives and loves. But your garden is, ultimately, yours, not mine to tend. In your teen years you grabbed the spade and the rake and the trowel and took charge …. I was left with only the watering can. I tried to sprinkle the right amount of water for your healthy growth; not too much, and not too little. But it’s up to you to pull the weeds, and to allow enough sunlight in to grow strong and to ultimately flower and show the world who you are.

What I know now is that you always were going to be great; I’m sorry I doubted that at times. It was from ignorance and fear that I had a brief moment when I wasn’t so sure I believed you could – or would – do it. When you failed I felt it reflected on me. It didn’t; and it did. I felt your pain, I shared your pain, and even though I know now it isn’t mine to bear, I still share your pain.

We are deeply connected, and always will be. Even when you are two thousand miles away from me, I can embrace your heart, and feel your closeness. Our connection transcends the limits of the physical world; of this I am certain.

As I have had the gift and privilege of raising you, I know that this has been and is the best part of my journey here on earth. Knowing you as an adult brings greater joy than I could have imagined. You made it. Through the thick and thin, through the testy meetings with teachers, through the tearful visits to the shrink, through the emergency-room runs and the wee-hours rants and raves.

The hugs smooth and soothe us; a sincere “I love you” completes every conversation now. And although there remain mountains to climb and tears to shed, I know you’ll make it. And so will I.

That’s what I know now. And I’m grateful for the journey.