It's All In My Hands

I am 21 and I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going in life. I wake up each day wondering if I will become a superhero or get hit by a truck. There is no direction. I’m trapped in a mirror fun house – but there is nothing fun about it. It’s no fun because each turn I face a new demon of my own that I never even knew existed. I honestly feel trapped. Trapped in myself. I don’t know what I am suppose to do to make myself and others happy. Yes; I know – focus on yourself before you focus on others. But how can I focus when I don’t know what to focus on? I am doing so many things that actually give me pleasure and meaning but still I feel lost and without meaning. Doesn’t make sense I know.

The best way I can describe it is like this: I have all the power to change my life and make it what I want. But I don’t even know what that is. So where do I begin? I could stop talking to everyone that upsets me. I could meet new people to laugh with. I could go pick new fights and have new first kisses. I could cover myself in tattoos or get a mohawk. I could get on a plane and go somewhere new or stay put. I could truly start my life or I could end it. Nothing is hindering me. The entire world is in my hands and I have no idea what to do with it. It both terrifies me and thrills me.

I want to start working on myself but I don’t know where that begins or ends. I just wish that I could go away and have the time to be myself without the fear of losing everything or messing anything up. For too long I have been my own people repellant; sometimes wanted; but mostly unwanted. It has protect me while also making me feel incredibly lonely. Those who I do have I feel I have let down by being weaker than I know I am. Yes, I have depression and anxiety issues – but I can be more than that. I just haven’t figured out how yet.

I know that I am doubting myself possibly a little more than usual with the events that are happening. But when I look back I see a pattern of me crumbling, and I don’t know what to do to prevent it. I see that I am not as strong as I wish to be. While that is okay – it isn’t something that feels awesome to realize. Realizing that means that you can and will be hurt. Which I am and have been.

I understand that my path is different than others. Which is why I am not comparing, so I am not bothered by that. I am bothered by the fact that I don’t know what my path is and I don’t know how to figure out what it is. Now – don’t get me wrong. I know with some extent what I want to get out of life, but I don’t know what lies beyond that and how to get there. It’s as if I am looking into a crystal ball that is extremely vague. All I know is I just want to be happy, and I want others to be happy. I don’t want to be the reason anyone is upset or distressed and if I am I want to correct that. I want to glow up and be the best version of me I can be. I want to grow mentally, physically, financially, and internally. I want to confuse, anger and astound my loved ones and my enemies at my come up. I want to inspire others to follow my path even though it may be a blind one. Because together we can learn to go through the dark and shed some light where it is needed in others and ourselves.

Keep growing and glowing.

Kat Rae