Self Preservation

jessica.tan (58)in #blog • 7 years ago

I almost fell off the bed today.

I was just sitting with my legs out at the edge of the bed as my baby tried to belly-flop his way over to me - he's starting to grow so fast, he'll be crawling legit in no time!

Something must have unsettled my balance on the bed and I had a heart-stopping moment where I thought that I would tumble off and the baby would come crashing on top of me too.

I had a fleeting image of me flinging my baby away, tossing him up into the air as I tried to wrap my arms around myself and protect my body from injury as I fell. This thought was quickly pushed aside as I admonished my overactive imagination for even deigning to think of doing such a thing to my own flesh and blood.

Aren't I suppose to be the paradigm of self-sacrifice when it comes to such things? Is the need for self-preservation really so strong that I may toss aside all other things of value in the interest of saving myself?

It makes me think deeper about what might happen in other situations - would I give up my religion or my morals if push came to shove... If someone held a knife to my throat or a gun to my head, would I say or do whatever they want me to, just so that I can live another day...

That said, I'm glad I won't have to find out, for now. But I will always wonder what would have happened if I really fell off the bed and took the baby down with me, or he taking me down with him, wherever the force of action may stem from...

Would my natural instinct cause me to do something that will cause me guilt and grief as a parent for the rest of my life, or will I perform a true maternal miracle and encase my baby in my arms while allowing myself to be bruised and broken as I drop to the ground... Will it me Me or You, or Me and You...

I hope I never have to find out though. Let's all just try our best to stay happy and whole yeah?