Stepping out of my comfort zone

Today, I stepped out of my comfort zone. My intent was to go to the civic center downtown, apply for the benefits I need, and then go get my long-overdue permit at the DMV. I accomplished about 75% of this goal. Despite not being able to accomplish everything I had planned, I am happy that I was able to at least keep the ball rolling on my life.

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain dripping through the leak in my ceiling. I groaned, checking the weather to see how bad it would be. With thunderstorms on the horizon, my ego, as devilish as it is, argued against me to call the day off. I almost gave in, but the light of love won out, and I chose to get up and catch the bus in the pouring rain to step forward over the boundaries I had so long accepted.

The bus had to take a detour, which made me anxious. As I got off much farther away than I expected, I hustled towards the civic center. About half of the way there, I realized I didn’t need my umbrella. For the rest of the day, the sun shone overhead.

At the civic center, I approached the man behind the desk. I didn’t really know why I was there; the nuances of public assistance kinda overwhelm me and all blend together in a mish mash of terms. After rambling for a bit, he handed me a packet without saying much.

This packet proved to be the source of a panic attack. I don’t know why, but the unfamiliarity of forms, combined with the overwhelming amount of information to take in makes it impossible for me to concentrate. I began getting wound up in my mind, running through countless scenarios of where I screwed up something and got denied.

I don’t know why this is so difficult for me. I tried breathing, but the waves of panic grew and grew. I eventually bolted. I was pretty much scribbling on the packet, trying to piece together what I could and what was in my mind. I knew I wouldn’t be able to fill it out properly then and there.

I wandered the streets for a bit, not sure of where I should be going. I eventually calmed myself down and realized I was going in the opposite direction of the bus hub. I turned around, and started heading back in the right direction.

The bus to the DMV was already there when I arrived, so I hopped aboard. It was a short ride, and I entered the DMV with no line waiting for me. I told the lady behind the desk I was there for my permit. She asked if I had the documents for six points of ID. I froze, realizing I hadn’t prepared at all. I then sheepishly said I had a non-driver’s license ID. That was good enough.

As I waited for my number to be called, I started to panic. I had not studied for this test. I breathed, trying to ground myself. This time, it worked. I realized I could take a practice test on my phone. I proceeded to do so twice, getting a few wrong the first time, and then getting none wrong the second time.

I was called into the testing room shortly after. The actual test was much shorter, and had none of the same questions. Fortunately, most of the questions were obvious, and primarily about alcohol and impaired driving. I aced it.

Despite failing to accomplish everything I set out to do, I am glad that I put the effort in and pushed my boundaries. Going to the city is normally a nerve-wracking experience. With so many people and so much activity, I often become highly symptomatic quickly. Panic attacks are common, and with that comes an increase in delusions and synchronous moments. I can “feel” the thoughts of people beam into my head, and getting to wound up can make their telepathic voices come across as demons.

It’s as I have been saying; I just have to keep swimming. I know I won’t be ready to be a superstar tomorrow, but if I keep preparing myself through regular exposure to stimuli like this, I will eventually be at a point where I can spread my wings and fly.

Hey, I wrote a short book about the experiences that led to me being in this place. It would really mean a lot if you picked it up. It's a rollercoaster ride through my childhood and explores (mostly) everything that shaped me into who I am today.

I also have a Patreon which I've recently set up as a means to help me get these messages out to the world more often!