I haven't done any wrong!!!!

Won't go into detail as I can't bear the thought of the what ifs so here I lay awake at 3 in the morning, exhausted and headache pounding, cuddling my baby and not letting him go for anything.
Later I find out the what's and whys and I'm shitting myself , dreading the worst because that's all I can expect with my frame of mind. I want to sleep but I won't because I don't want to, I want to drag out my cuddle as long as possible so if the worst comes i can always remember it.