Just A Ramble

I want to start off with a little about myself. I am a low functioning disabled man. I was raised to be a man by my grandfather who, god rest his soul, did his best to see that I knew how to be a true man in every sense of the word. I was raised to take care of my family first and foremost. Then when this is done you apply yourself to your chosen career and or what ever it is you do to provide for your family. Lastly you then worry about your health and well being. I had done this all my life up until about six years ago when my body finally started giving out, ultimately resulting in what I like to call being forced into early retirement. I refuse to truly consider myself disabled, I despise this word. A true man no matter how wore out and beat down he is will and should in all reality keep pushing and going until the father calls him home. I believe this to be the way with my whole heart. Well I'm here to tell you that this is extremely difficult to do day in and day out when pain is involved. I do my best to follow these teachings to the best of my ability. With this revelation of knowing my health will never last i have turned my focus to making sure my nephews learn and understand what it is to be a man. My brother does try to instill the teachings i'm just going to make sure they stick.... I do realise that this writing is probably not you typically post and i sorry if reading this makes you feel like you wasted your time, i just need to get all this out of my head because if i don't i feel it might be the end of me when i found out that i would never be able to what i consider a full days work ever again i went to a dark place in my head and i truly disappeared. When i finally came out of the dark, i have had a rough time with dealing with the world and the people in it. I was and always will be a very independant man. Its hard to go to the places you're used to going , home depot, and when getting materials that you have gotten a million time before and now you have to ask a gentleman who is old enough to be your grandfather to help you lift and load these materials. To me i feel pathetic having to ask for help. I understand that is what he is there for, but being younger i should be able to man up and not put him in the situation the he could possibly get hurt just by helping me. Now understand this, I can and will do what a normal man does in a day, the problem is that if i push it to much then my body will be down for weeks at a time trying to recover. Well as time has passed i sought out help with the dark thoughts and the ptsd, and things are we'll say, ok for now. I still don't like being around people, and it takes me a while to talk to them. So with all this going on I talked my family into selling everything and moving out to the property we have now which is lets just say very remote. I now like to learn everything i can to try and make my life a little more accommodating for my self so that i can feel remotely normal. I have learned a lot from the articles and videos over the years that have made my life for me more pleasing. i want to say thank you to all the creators of this content that i have enjoyed over the years. To one who was once full functioning it has meant a lot to be able to continue living. I'm sorry for rambling on and on. but it helps to get it out. I would like to possibly post videos of the things i like to make and do, but i will see how this is received before i try all that... Thanks for taking the time to read a ramble.