life is almost good - A Masterpiece

When you find out you’re having a baby, you’re filled with hope, love, joy and wonder. You imagine what your new life will be like. A sweet baby to put in cute clothes and to cuddle and pour love into.

You’ll rock your baby at night. You’ll nurse him and he will fall sweetly asleep and you and your partner will smile lovingly at this precious creature you created.

It’s not often that you imagine several years down the road, sitting in your office frantically making phone calls, because your child’s teacher, principal, secretary and who knows how many other folks have been trying to coax your child into taking his medication with no success. You’ll never imagine hearing the words “the teacher doesn’t want him back in class if he doesn’t take it.”

No, that’s not what you see. But sometimes it’s what you get. That’s what we got today.

When I held that pregnancy test in my hand, I never once imagined that on the day of my baby’s big arrival, he would be stuffed with tubes, oxygen and needles, rushed away to live in an incubator for two weeks while we waited, watched and ached to hold him. But that’s what we got.

When we sat at that ultrasound appointment and found out that our sweet baby was a boy, and we gave him his name, I never pictured my two closest work friends, seven years later, sandwiching me in a hug, stroking my hair and listening to the nurse’s voice tell me the details of the hole in my son’s heart, because they knew I wasn’t hearing much of it through my sobs. But that’s what I got.

You know what else? I never imagined what a masterpiece my child would be.

It’s true that there are moments I want to fall to my knees and surrender. Where I want to just give up. Lock my door and crawl back in bed, crying until I fall asleep. There are moments I have no words for. Where I just ask why? But then there are the moments where I feel completely unworthy. Where I shuffle through his school papers and a good 90% of them have a perfect score. Or he hugs me or holds my hand or just smiles at me and I again ask why? Why do I deserve him? He is too good for me. Moments where I hear him use the most perfect manners. Where I hear him stand up for a friend, or for something he believes in.

What a masterpiece.

We never know what a day with him will bring. Joy? Frustration? Hope? Pride? Fear? Often times all of the above.

It’s been a very difficult year for him. Wait, who am I kidding? It’s been a very difficult life for him! But from here on out, he will have a better year, and a better life. So much better. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll sacrifice whatever I have to.

It’s my job. I’m painting a masterpiece.

– L –