Being a shitty person helps me keep up with my New Years resolutions.

We all have that one or two bad habits, that we are more than aware of, that are VERY hard to fight. Perhaps you don’t workout as much as you should or never eat veggies. For me tho, I HAVE DOZENS.
I drink around four giant cups of cheap coffee every day, binge watch really crappy TV series (have you ever tried Little Women of Dallas? Trust me, that show will get you HOOKED), love anything with an unhealthy amount of sugar, use my workout leggings as pajamas and oh, find it almost impossible to get more than six hours of sleep.
Trust me, buddy, you name it, I’ve got it on my plate. Self-abusive behavior is unfortunately just my thing. Why? Oh well, that would be easy, wouldn’t it? Well if i knew I’d probably be in a gym right now, with my healthy hot boyfriend and tuna salad waiting in fridge to be eaten while catching up on newest Forbes articles. INSTEAD, I am mixing salty roasted cashews with leftover oreo chocolate AND warm beer (let’s just say this wasn’t one of those days on which you WAIT for your alcohol to chill before chugging it down). My only hope is to finish this article before diarrhea finishes me.
So. Back on track (Metaphorically, I am not ready for the actual running track just yet.) Why is being me, a.k.a. super lazy depressed chick so good in terms of New Years resolutions?
BEING LAZY MAKES MY JOB HERE REAL EASY.
Because the essence of laziness is in making things as simple and effortless as possible, right?
All I gotta do is convince myself, that making these changes will lead to less effort, less energy to be spent in order to get whatever I desire.
Here, have a look:

1. Practicing self-love and self-respect.

• Being confident is HOT. You want to get those sexy boys in the bar? You want to rock that job interview? Well heck! Fake it till you make it! Just give yourself a minute everyday to think of the awesome shit you’ve achieved, created (or will create once you finish this episode of Bo Jack Horseman..)!

1. Read more books.

• Look I know you make up excuses for your lack of action or any signs of living really often, but why don’t you make them a bit more classy? Let’s find new fancy words to make everyone believe that lying in bed all day is actually hella important and build your future.

1. Be healthier.

• Sooo. First, you should accept the fact that you are ALWAYS late. People hate u for it, your school is not thrilled by it either and don’t even get me started on your boss. Here’s the answer: Learn to run faster to catch the morning bus, get fitter to avoid being all sweaty when you enter a room (so that people won’t even have a chance to suspect that you were in a hurry). I know. You can thank me later.

Here you have it, being a lazy shitbag turned out to be my wildest card in getting those New Years resolutions DONE (or at least, you know, started)! You might think it’s pathetic, but seriously, try it! Maybe you can turn your biggest weakness into a weapon! Slay the 2018!
Oddly enthusiastically,
Coffee-brain.