SONG WRITING, SELF-DOUBT AND THE FEDEX GUY

For the last few years, instead of New Year’s resolutions, I have attached a word to the year. 2018 is my year of honour. I am focusing on my health, but I will strive to honour all areas of my life. This is my week three update.

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This past week I was at home more than normal. It wasn’t planned that way. But it happened, over and over again. Very odd. I was home like a shut-in for all but 2 days. So you can imagine what that did to my “Get to the Gym” plans. Yeah, I know … sounds like I’m making excuses. So … drum roll, please… I worked out at home. I worked out until I sweat. 5X. I was sore, but not the kind of pain that I have been dealing with since December. That pain seems to be going away. THANK GOD! No, this was that good kind of sore and I’m fine with that. When I would get tired, I would remind myself of how lucky I am to have a body that moves. And that in moving my body I am honouring me. It was good inspiration.

I like working from home. It’s that whole "I don’t have to get dressed if I don’t want to!" feeling. Sitting at your desk in your housecoat and a cup of coffee getting things done. Until the FedEx guy comes to the door. Suddenly you feel like a housewife who’s been eating bonbons all day watching soap operas. That happened a couple of times. Not my finest hour. I started getting dressed earlier after that.

I accomplished a lot, but I was feeling out of sorts. I know when this happens it is usually because I’m not using my creative side enough. I like writing my blogs, and putting videos etc. together, but there are times when I need to create. I needed to create some music.

I like collaborating with other musicians when I write music. There are two reasons. The first is I love the idea of combining two ideas into one. It makes for something special that wouldn’t happen anywhere else. There is magic in that. The second comes from my own insecurities. I’ll be honest. I’ve never felt good enough. I have always felt inadequate because I didn’t go to university to study music. I wanted to, but in my family, the goal for me was to find a job as a secretary and get married. My parents had little aspirations for me beyond that. There were full scholarships offered but my parents forbade it. And I obeyed. To the nth degree. If I could go back in time I would speak up more. I don’t blame my parents, it’s the way they thought. But I regret it.

The thing is, I haven’t been able to collaborate lately. I have all these lyrics and beginnings of songs floating around in my head and no one to share them with. I’m tied to other people’s schedules. But I’m feeling out of sorts! What to do? The most amazing things happen when your idea of 'how things should be' is tested. The only thing stopping me from writing my own work is my own fear. Fear that I’m not good enough. I don’t know why it was so strong this time around. I mean I wrote Christmas with Love in October and didn’t have an issue. But that was a one-off. A moment of inspiration. This was different. I was going to sit down and write for the sake of writing. Fear. Self-doubt. But this is my year of honour! …. Oh dear. Quite the conundrum.

So, I started to write. At first, the demons in my brain shouted at me. But I told them to bugger off. I was writing. It didn’t come easily. I told myself to settle down. Write Cayla. There are no deadlines. Nothing. Only me. The piano. My thoughts. That’s it. Well, let me tell you. I started to have fun. Soon I was smiling. Humming. The ideas flowing. The chords coming. More ideas. Wait? What is that I hear in my head? Ah, the backup singers. Oh, now I hear the horns. It’s all there you see. I only needed to push past my doubt and fear. That’s all ego anyway. Isn’t it?

Why do I write all this? Because I’m no different than you. We all have our own set of fears and insecurities. Sometimes we have to stop whining and just do it. I can say with pride I honoured me this week. It felt good.

Cayla

PS – It is a great song. I can’t wait to sing it. But until then, here's a favourite Samsung Galaxy Video ... just for fun.