If you're bored by Bitcoin, sink your money into doubloons and pieces of eight share

Invest in Monopoly money

Are you bored by your Bitcoins? Looking for a more exciting investment that is also a sure thing? I have some suggestions. This is a very good time to be ahead of the game and get into doubloons. In his latest newsletter to investors, US financial wizard Scurvy J Beard says he believes that there could still be a dozen undiscovered pirate treasure maps in existence. This has stirred tremendous interest in notional doubloons and also in supposed pieces of eight, which are now changing hands at $1,500 each.

Monopoly money is another wise bet. In December 1974 the Wilkinson family, of Devizes, played a game in which a dispute over a hotel on Vine Street led to the notorious Great Wilkinson Massacre. A single £100 note from that game recently fetched the equivalent of £280,000 in Tokyo. Get Out of Jail Free cards (in batches of 10) are appreciating by 20 per cent a year. After a lull of about a century, the groat has begun to attract interest. There was some volatility at first, but now the imaginary groat has achieved parity with the hypothetical widow’s mite. The market is confidently expected to take off in coming months. I am investing heavily in Saxon hoard futures. I’ve been buying “finds” that may be turned up by a plough or a metal detectorist in years to come. Last week I paid £800,000 for an ornate gold Saxon belt buckle, which may or may not exist. I’m sure I could sell it for a decent profit tomorrow.

In the past couple of months, a craze for mazes has been sweeping across the West Coast of the United States. This has led to the creation of an exciting new kind of hedge fund. A yard of provisional decent yew hedge recently changed hands at a quarter of a million dollars. You can also get a good return on virtual privet.