My Wilderness of Emotion and Mountain of Burdens

Continuing from my previous blog "I can't recognise myself"
"In the next post I will continue sharing more practical every day life examples I've adopted to secure (as much as possible) my self and living process in a way where I do not lose touch with the 'best version of me I can possibly live' in my every day life and everything / everyone within it."

Finding my way back to myself was an internal, uphill battle. As though I had over time constructed this emotional mountain of burdened memories, consisting of all the moments I had been dishonest with myself, feeling betrayed by my own emotions, lied to myself to believe the illusions that would veil the truth ever so slightly - with the truth trying its best to pique my conscience in my darkest of moments. Yet, to no avail - here I was, this internal mountain before me, standing in the way of me getting in touch with myself, with not even my own conscience to save me but myself in this mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted state, at the brink of feeling like I want to just walk away from my life, everything and everyone within it. This walking away will equally settle the mountain to dust inside myself, because I reason that: if my life is not there - the mountain won't be there, and I will be free to start over. I will be free from this seeming insurmountable mountain causing me so much pain, loss and aloneness inside myself.

Inside myself - I had split. A part of me was living in my real world - functioning to get through the day. Another part of me was before this mountain, defined by this mountain of emotional burdens - as though the mountain was tied to an internal simulation / extension of me, an externalization of internal issues I had suppressed and accumulated over time. I for some time asked myself the incorrect question: WHY did I do this to myself? WHY am I here inside myself and my life? WHY did this happen?

What makes WHY questions disempowering? For me, personally - I have found when I start personal questions whilst in an emotional state: the emotional state defines the question and so I tend to mislead myself with my own answers. Meaning: when I was in a victimized, disempowered, lost and alone state - and in that starting point asking WHY: I was already giving up and no answer would appear / form / become visible inside myself.

I then changed my QUESTion: WHAT exactly within me, over time, contributed to this mountain within and before me and HOW exactly can I assist and support myself to work through it? See - in this way / method of asking, I am already giving myself a starting point platform to start with introspecting where and how and with what to start my QUEST via asking myself QUESTions in this process of climbing the mountain whilst at the same time going through it :)

Whenever you're at a point of feeling like you're a stranger to yourself, your life and when you have lost touch with a part of yourself you know still resides within you while you're looking at the reflection of yourself in a mirror and in the mirror of your real life with everything and everyone within it: remember that you're seeing your SELF and LIFE through the EYES of all the loaded up emotional memories / moments. You're not seeing your best self and so the best version of your life, the potential and opportunities that resides within yourself and your life to change and transform things. Therefore, before making a life changing decision for yourself and everyone who is a part of you: resolve the internal struggle and strifes.

With this flicker of hope for change emerging inside of me, where a part of my awareness / conscience managed to come through and remind me that there is more, there is something better that I am able to create for myself and my life - including everything and everyone within it: I was determined to start changing, to start over inside myself, instead of "starting over" by giving up on sorting through my piled mountainous emotional memories and walking away from everything I had!

Yet, as heroic as it sounds that I was determined to start change: STARTING to CHANGE was NOT EASY!!! I had made the DECISION to start climbing and working through my mountain, in the wilderness of my own unrecognizable soul / spirit that has become imbued with apathy, listlessness, exhaustion, sorrow, aloneness, emptiness…and so much more.

Despite it all - there was a part of me that was not going to give up. A part of me that would see myself through it all. A part of me I had fortunately strengthened throughout my years of applying proven and tested tools of writing and self forgiveness that worked for me to be able to understand my own consciousness and the parts of me that tend to possess / take over my being and life so slowly but surely, until, before I know it: I'm lost in it all. YET, with applying and living the process of writing and self forgiveness - no matter how perceivably lost I become within myself and my life: my resolve to not give up, my passion to strive for the best and my will to be the best I can for myself and my life will always pull me through, no matter how long it takes.

In addition to this: I know that I have people, relationships in my life who will step in when they notice I cannot stand for and by myself for a time being, and they will be there with me, guiding me back to an internal strength until I can stand on my own two feet and start the climb of my own mountain inside myself. A feat no one can do FOR ME - it is something I have to do for and by myself: yet others can support me back to a strength inside myself for me to align with my determination, will, passion and resolve to see it through.

As much as I would like to jump into this "… sharing more practical every day life examples I've adopted to secure (as much as possible) my self and living process in a way where I do not lose touch with the 'best version of me I can possibly live' in my every day life and everything / everyone within it" - which is the solution: it's best to also include the in-between process that can happen from a problem-to-solution process.

This ‘in-between’ phase being that of experiencing the resistance, difficulties and challenges which my emerge together with the decision and intent to change. What I've noticed is: when I conditioned myself into an internal and external way of being and living - such as this mountain of emotional burdens - it becomes me, through and through. To the extent where it shapes itself into a 'shadow me', a personality system that will on many levels 'fight for its right to exist'.

In the beginning of such change, it feels like I'm fighting with a part of myself as I'm trying my best to change. The more I persist, remain consistent in my determination, will, passion and resolve to change - day by day, walking up and through this internal mountain: the resistance, fight, giving up, exhaustion, manipulation, victimization and powerlessness slowly but surely falls away and I become stronger by the day in this process of leading and guiding myself back to the me I know when I'm at my best and I can once again take charge of my life.

In the next post I will share the resistances to look out for to ensure you don't unnecessary fall into the traps of postponement and giving up in your decision and intent to change, but take it step by step until you strengthen yourself more and are on your way to self and life change. To eventually also get to the end of your arduous QUEST into and through your mountain of problems and issues - only to realise: the culprit of your inner conflict that caused you to lose touch with yourself and your life may not have been what (or who) you THOUGHT it was! For me, for example: I initially presumed it was my relationship (and so much more) that contributed to me being in a space of lostness within myself…when all the while: it was something totally unexpected.

More to come!