The Beatles Funnies From a Russian Website I Stumbled Across

If you ever get famous, don't take the press too seriously. xD

"When the Beatles conquered the world, it wasn't just the music that captured people.
The Beatles became very known for their wit in press conferences."

Press: Does it bother you that you can't hear what you sing during concerts?
John: No, we don't mind. We've got the records at home.

Press: How did you find America?
John: Turn left at Greenland.

Press: Are you a mod or a rocker?
Ringo: I'm a mocker.

Press: Are you afraid military service might break up your careers?
John: No. There's no draft in England now. We're going to let you do our fighting for us.

Press: Are you going to have a leading lady for the film you're about to make?
Paul: We're trying to get the Queen. She sell in England, you know.

Press: Are you scared when crowds scream at you?
John: More so in Dallas than in other places, perhaps.

Press: Are you wearing wigs or real hair?
Ringo: Hey, where's the police?
Paul: Take her out!
George: Our hair's real. What about yours, lady?

Press: Aren't you tired of all the hocus-pocus? Wouldn't you rather sit on your fat wallets?
Paul: When we get tired we take fat vacations on our fat wallets.

Press: Beethoven figures in one of your songs. What do you think of Beethoven?
Ringo: I love him. Especially his poems.

Press: Can we look forward to any more Beatle movies?
John: Well, there'll be many more but I don't know whether you can look forward to them or not.

Press: Did you really use four letter words on the tourists in the Bahamas?
John: What we actually said was "Gosh".
Paul: We may have also said "Heavens!".
John: Couldn't have said that, Paul. More than four letters.

Press (to George): Did you write "Ringo's Theme"?
George: No, did you? You haven't been reading the little bits of paper, have you, that says who writes "Ringo's Theme"?

Press: Do any of you have ulcers?
George: None that we've noticed.

Press: Do you ever think of getting a haircut?
Paul: No, luv. Do you?

Press: Do you fight amongst yourselves?
John: Only in the mornings.

Press: Do you get much fan mail?
Ringo: We get 2,000 letters a day.
John: We answer every one of them personally.

Press: Do you have any special advice for teenagers?
John: Don't get pimples.

Press: Do you have any special message for Dutch youth?
John: Tell them to buy Beatle records.

Press: Do you like topless bathing suits?
Ringo: We've been wearing them for years.

Press: Do you plan to record any anti-war songs?
John: All our songs are anti-war.

Press: Do you speak french?
Paul: Non.

Press: Do you wear wigs?
John: If we do, they must be the only ones with real dandruff.

Press: Do you worry about smoking in public? Do you think it might set a bad example for your younger fans?
George: We don't set examples. We smoke because we've always smoked. Kids don't smoke because we do.
They smoke because they want to. If we changed we'd be putting on an act.
Ringo (whispering): We even drink.

Press: Does all the adulation from teenage girls affect you?
John: When I feel my head start to swell, I look at Ringo and know perfectly well we're not supermen.

Press: Does your hair require any special attention?
John: Inattention is the main thing.

Press: Don't you ever get a haircut?
George: I had one yesterday.
Ringo: You should have seen him the day before.

Press: George, is the place you were brought up a bit like Greenwich Village?
George: No, more like the Bowery.

Press: Girls rushed toward my car because it has press identification, and they thought I met you. How do you explain this phenomenon?
John: You're lovely to look at.

Press (to George): Hi, you're not married.
George: No, I'm George.

Press: How come the Beatles, rather than 200 other groups, clicked?
Ringo: Sometimes I try to figure that out, too.

Press: How come you were turned back by immigration?
John: We had to be deloused.

Press: How do you feel about teenagers imitating you with Beatle wigs?
John: They're not imitating us because we don't wear Beatle wigs.

Press: How do you add up success?
All four: Money!

Press: What will you do when Beatlemania subsides?
John: Count the money.

Press: How do you feel about a nightclub called Arthur, named after your hair style?
George: I was proud--until I saw the nightclub.

Press: How do you spend your time when you're cooped up in a hotel room between the shows?
John: We play tennis and water polo, and hide ourselves from our perol officers.

Press: How do you stand in the draft?
John: About five feet, eleven inches.

Press: How does it feel to be putting on the whole world?
Ringo: We enjoy it.
Paul: We aren't really putting you on.
George: Just a bit of it.
John: How does it feel to be put on?

Press: How tall are you, Ringo?
Ringo: Two feet, nine inches.

Press: Is it true none of you can read or write music?
Paul: None of us can read or write music. The way we work is like, we just whistle. John will whistle at me and I'll whistle back at him.

Press: Is it true you can't sing?
John (pointing to George): Not me. Him.

Press: Is your wife expensive?
John: Quite, quite...
Paul: How much did she cost when you bought her?
John: Er, she was about fifty pounds in Nairobi.
George: But she was second hand, wasn't she?

Press: Was she second hand??
John: How dare you!

John: No more unscheduled public appearances. We've had enough. We're going to stay in our hotel except for concerts.
Press: Won't this make you feel like caged animals?
John: No. We feed ourselves.

Press: Paul, you look like my son.
Paul: You don't look a bit like my mother.

Press: Recently there has been an article published in Rolling Stone magazine stating that Day Tripper was about a prostitute, and Norwegian Wood was about a lesbian. What was you're intent when writing these songs?
Paul: We were just trying to write songs about prostitutes and lesbians.

Press: What was the inspiration behind Elenor Rigby?
John: That one's about a couple o' queers!

Press: Ringo, how do you manage to find all those parties?
Ringo: I don't know. I just end up at them.
Paul: On tour we don't get out much. Ringo's always out though.
John: Ringo freelances.

Press: Ringo, what started your practice of wearing four rings at once?
Ringo: Six got to be too heavy.

Press: Ringo, why do you wear two rings on each hand?
Ringo: Because I can't fit them through my nose.

Press: Some people have been calling your work "unamerican". How do you respond to this?
John: Well, that's very observant of them.

Press: The French have not made up their minds about the Beatles. What do you think of them?
John: Oh, we like the Beatles. They're gear.

Press: Were you worried about the oversized roughnecks who tried to infiltrate the airport crowd on your arrival?
Ringo: That was us.

Press: What about the recent criticism of your lyrics?
Paul: If you start reading things into them you might as well start singing hymns.

Press: What about this campaign in Detroit to stamp out the Beatles?
Paul: We're starting a campaign to stamp out Detroit.

Press: What are some of your favorite programs on American television?
Paul: News in Espanol from Miami. Popeye. Bullwinkle. All the cultural stuff.
John: I like American TV because you can get eighteen stations, but you can't get a good picture on any of them.

Press: What careers would you individually have chosen had you not become entertainers?
Paul: I dunno. Maybe something with art in it?
Ringo: A hairdresser.
George: I had a short go at being an electrician's apprentice. But I kept blowing things up, so I got dumped.
John: No comment.

Press: What do you think of the pamphlet calling you four communists?
Paul: Us, communists? Why we can't be communists. We're the world's number one capitalists. Imagine us, communists!

Press: What did you think when your airplane's engine began smoking as you landed today?
Ringo: Beatles, women, and children first!

Press: What do you call that hairstyle?
George: Arthur.

Press: What do you do when you're cooped up in a hotel room between shows?
George: We ice skate.

Press: What do you look like with your hair back on your foreheads?
John: You just don't do that, mate. You feel naked if you do that, like you don't have any trousers on.

Press: What do you think of the criticism that you're not very good?
George: We're not.

Press: What do you think you've contributed to the musical field?
Ringo: Records.
George: A laugh and a smile.

Press: What excuse do you have for your collar-length hair?
John: Well, it just grows out yer head.

Press: What is the biggest threat to your careers, the atom bomb or dandruff?
Ringo: The atom bomb. We've already got dandruff.

Press: What is the reason you are the most popular singing group today?
All four: Don't know. No idea.
John: If we knew, we'd get together four boys with long hair and be managers.

Press: What is the secret of your success?
John: We have a press agent.

Press: What is this about an annual illness, George?
George: I get cancer every year.

Press: What is your favorite food?
Ringo: I'm hung up on hamburgers.
George: All four of us are mad about hero sandwiches.
Paul: I have a yen for grilled cheese sandwiches.
John: George and I usually wait until someone else orders, then say "I'll have that, too".

Press: What will you do when the bubble bursts?
George: Take up ice hockey.
Paul: Play basketball.

Press: What would happen if you all switched to crewcuts?
John: It would probably be the end of the act.

Press: When are you going to cut your hair, Paul?
John: What do you mean? He got it cut yesterday.

Press: When are you going to retire?
Ringo: In about 10 minutes.

Press: When are you starting your next movie?
Paul: In February.
George: We have no title for it yet.
Ringo: We have no story for it yet.
John: We have no actors for it yet.

Press: When you do a new song, how do you decide who sings the lead?
John: We just get together and whoever knows most of the words sings the lead.

Press: Where did you get your hair style?
Paul: From Napoleon. And Julius Caesar too. We cut it anytime we feel like it.
Ringo: We may do it now.

Press: Where did you think up the hairdos?
Paul: We got them from a German photographer who wore his hair this way.
George: It was while we were in Germany. I went swimming and when I came out I didn't have a comb. So my hair just dried. The others liked it the way it looked, and there we were.
John: We've told so many lies about it we've forgotten.

Press: Which of you is really bald?
George: We're all bald. And I'm deaf and dumb.

Press: Who in the world would the Beatles like to meet more than anyone else?
Ringo: The real Santa Claus.

Press: Who thought up the name Beatles?
Paul: I thought of it.
Press: Why?
Paul: Why not?

Press: Why are your speaking voices different from your singing voices?
George: We don't have a musical background.

Press: Why don't you smile, George?
George: I'll hurt my lips.

Press: Why is it that you Ringo get more fan mail than the others?
Ringo: I dunno. I suppose it's because more people write me.

Press: Will you sing something for us?
All four: NO!
Press: Can you sing at all?
Ringo: No, we need money first.

Press: Would you ever accept a girl in your group if she could sing, play an instrument, and wear the Beatle haircut?
Ringo: How tall is she?

Press: Would you like to walk down the street without being recognized?
John: We used to do this with no money in our pockets. There's no point in it.

Press: You and the snow came to Washington at the same time today. Which do you think will have the greater impact?
Ringo: The snow. We're going tomorrow.

Press: You were at the Playboy Club last night. What did you think of it?
Paul: The Playboy and I are just good friends.

via www.kulichki.com/beatles/intervju.html