Living It All Over Again

I've been converting all my old Digital8 tapes to computer files. Since the only way to do this is real-time playback, I set the video camera running, importing into iMovie, while I work. I catch glimpses of the import while I'm doing other things... audio and video creep in while i toil away.

Today, I came across the video of the birth of my first child. It was audio-only for much of the import, as there was nobody to run the camera, and I think I simply wanted it running so that when I could finally grab it, it would be already capturing as much as possible.

Hearing my wife go through a difficult labor all over again, brought back a flood of emotion. Not having video actually seemed to enhance the experience. Tear jerking, to say the least.

This is a person I've known for over 20 years; I know her (damned high) tolerance for pain. She had all our kids naturally, with no pain meds. But this birth was truly painful and exhausting. 25+ hours of labor. A difficult delivery. And the first in many many years. I was as supportive as I could be, but it was new to me, and there was just the two of us and the staff... no other friends or relatives around until after baby arrived.

Compared to our second child together, which I had converted from tape first, it was shocking just how much more painful this one was... and that was after three children earlier in life.

Yep, Number 4 was a real kicker.

You'd think the sound of someone you love in pain would be a lasting memory. And if anyone were to ask, I surely would have said that Number 4 was "difficult." But as with many things child-birth-related, you tend to forget the pain and the tense, scary moments, once that baby arrives. The other stuff fades into the background.

In this case, it has been almost 13 years since that day... and going back to that day was simply shocking. My wife did amazing, under the most incredible challenge I think she's ever faced, short of the ravages of Lyme Disease. She was stronger than anyone else I've ever known.

I have been wanting to convert these videos, and sort out all our phone photos and videos, for a long time now, and since I'm in a lull with my workload (unfortunately), I'm spending time just cleaning up and simplifying my life a bit. And since my memory has been quite a bit less reliable, especially since starting some new medications, I think I believe more than ever that going back and watching old videos, and having other people in them watch too, is vital to keeping "where we've been" well within our grasp... the good times, the bad, all the challenges and rewards. Not necessarily "living in the past", but just stopping now and then to take time to reflect on things; perhaps using the material as a catalyst to mend some fences and just remind everyone of what's truly important.

Lyme Disease takes its toll on anybody that it can - the infected person, and every single person associated with them. Long term, it becomes a living, breathing monster bent on wrecking anything it can, leaving scratches from its devious claws in the very fabric of our lives, shitting on our carpets, and casting darkness in even the most well-lit places. Taking time to look back into the "before time" of a chronic illness, not to "wallow" but to reflect and be thankful, and to grieve and move forward, can be truly healing, and enlightening in new ways. Sometimes what we remember becomes so very different from what really happened!

If you haven't dragged out the old photo album or videos, make some time this weekend... see what emotions and laughs and tears it brings back. See how you feel when you're done. I'd love to hear about YOUR experience with your trip down memory lane.