My First Ayahuasca Retreat
This is an account of an Ayahuasca retreat I attended at the beginning of May 2018. Please read my earlier blog for a better sense of context.
Day 1
I arrived in Madrid around 12:30 pm and found a well-rated vegetarian restaurant to have a spot of lunch in before exploring the amazingly lovely El Retiro park, and then heading to Plaza de Castilla Metro station to catch a bus to the retreat which was based outside of Madrid in a small town called Fuente El Saz de Jarama. I got off of the bus at the second stop in the town, having just missed the first. I called the facilitator who had promised to pick us up as we arrived - the retreat was about a 20-25 minute walk from the town up a dirt track. I was told that 2 of the other participants were waiting at the first bus stop so I went to meet them.. We informed one another on our previous experiences in the land of mysticism. I spoke of my own Bufo experience and my recent 3 years’ of solidly exploring the unearthly realms of Psilocybin. The facilitator arrived to collect us and we made the short trip to the house, which belongs to the founder of the facilitating company. It had a tennis court and a swimming pool, as well as a large garden with a huge facilitating room as an outhouse. However, since there were only a total of 6 guests, we would hold our ceremonies in the smaller room in the house. I began to meet the other 3 guests who were already in the house and the other facilitator who is Spanish and would be our translator for the Ayahuasquero, who did not speak English. He is also an excellent guitarist and singer, and would provide us with much live entertainment over the course of the following few nights while we were under the influence of the jungle juice.
After lots of talking and exchanging of our experiences throughout the afternoon, we began to settle down in the ceremony room for discussions. The Ayahuasquero told us what we should expect from the Ayahuasca. There may be vomiting - he explained that the best way to purge is to kneel on all fours, with the head positioned over the bucket, to allow the body to release as easily as possible. Other than this, the main rule is to surrender. The Ayahuasca is the spirit of the jungle and is understood to be a feminine energy, often referred to as “she” or Mother Ayahuasca. It is good idea to set one’s intention before the ceremony begins, and then she will give us the answers we seek. Sometimes those answers may take us into our deepest, darkest fears, but it is important to have trust and to surrender.
We did not end up beginning the ceremony until around 11:30 pm. It begins with rapé (please note the important accent on the ‘e’!). I quipped with one of the other participants it was so-called because it was like being rapéd up the nose! There are several different varieties of rapé, and they consist of a mixture of tobacco ash and the ash from other herbs, ground down to produce a snuff. This snuff is then projected up each nostril by the facilitator, using a wooden pipe. The general process of consuming rapé tends to be uncomfortable to begin with but then starts to ease with use and experience. The purpose of the rapé is to still the mind before the ceremony. It also works by facilitating the opening of one or more chakras, depending upon the blend of rapé.
For me the first rapé made me feel good. This was in sharp contrast to my previous rapé experiences 2 months earlier on the Kambo retreat - every one of those experiences seemed to be very difficult, with little advantage gained. However, I did notice the general persistent pain in my back to get a little worse.
For several years I have had this pain around the kidney area, along with tension in the upper back and shoulders, and clicking noises from my muscles as I constantly attempt to “untangle” myself. Alongside this I have had a major dehydration issue for as long as I can remember. I drink lots of water, and very few dehydrative fluids, and yet I am often thirsty. This may have been due to the 18 year daily cannabis habit, I gave up in February, following my first trip to infinity with the Bufo. It was one of my intentions to see if I could deal with these physical problems.
The Ayahuasquero performed the blessing on the jungle juice which included lots of feather waving, chanting and animal-like noises. It is then ready to be served. One-by-one we lined up ready to drink a portion from a yopo seed pod. From previous research I was told the brew had a bitter flavour so putrid that it was difficult to even drink, let alone to keep down. However, this was far from the case. I found it to be perfectly palatable - with not even any nausea experience after half an hour.. We were advised to sit up on our mats for half an hour or so while the brew transits our stomachs, before we were to consider lying down. A playlist of appropriate music was played as we settled into our first journey of the 4 night exploration into our consciousness .
During this time my neurological experiences were very subtle, and after 45 minutes from ingestion, those feelings had completely vanished. I felt somewhat disappointed and asked
the ayahuasquero for my booster dose early, 10 minutes or so before the others.
I began to feel something again - it felt like a very mild mushroom trip initially, and then began to wither away. I think I fell asleep, and was later woken by the ayahuasquero performing part of the shamanic ritual - the waving of feathers and spray of a citrus-like essential oil over the participants. At this point, I thought it had all been a bit of a waste of time somehow, and then wondered if I needed another dose.
I resisted the temptation. I knew I would have felt like some kind of junky Oliver Twist. “Please Mr Ayahuasquero, can I have some more?”
..and I was glad that I had resisted that temptation. Shortly afterwards, the second facilitator began to play the guitar and sing. There was something so powerful about the live music that it triggered something within me..
Before the retreat I had planned to have a 2nd Bufo experience - this was due to take place the following day. For a couple of mornings on waking prior to leaving for the retreat, I had experienced miniature Bufo experiences - feelings of merging with everything, with becoming infinite, almost like a premonition of the new coming Bufo experience.. At that very moment, I had my eyes closed, taking in the new aural experience, when I began to have a precognitive experience of the Bufo journey I was due to take the following day. I had remembered elements of my first Bufo experience that had been forgotten in an instant following that initial experience... the lead up to the void. The massive jettisoning away of the ego as I zoomed toward infinity, and all of those since-forgotten fears associated with it. I figured this fear was trapped within me, solidified into my being, and that these negative emotions were going to produce a difficult time for me if I went ahead with the Bufo the following day. “I can always cancel it”, I worriedly considered to myself - but that would be letting the fear win. “Hang on a minute”, I pondered. I have been drinking Ayahuasca - surely I can shift some of this bad energy now? No longer than a few seconds after this realisation had hit me, the first wave of purging began. No sooner had I assumed the kneeling position over my bucket, it had started. This happened in several waves and then I began to allow my spirit to take control of my body. This is something I have been experiencing since my mushrooms trips. I would just let go, and another part of me would take over my movements to my benefit. I can consciously override this at any time, so I know it is not something sinister like a demonic possession or anything like that!
I allowed my spirit to use my hands to massage several areas of my body - this was having the effect of shifting away areas of trapped energy within me. I was making various different sounds as this happened - there were large deep breaths that sounded like I had lungs the size of wind tunnels, there were sharp rodent-like noises which sounded similar to sucking in air quickly with one’s teeth gritted together. Following several bouts of massaging and noises, a new wave of vomiting would arrive. This continued for around 10-15 waves and then something remarkable bagan to occur. As the majority of the blockages began to clear, I felt intense energy permeating through the core of my being - my chakras if you will.. and with this I naturally assumed the prayer position, as I sat cross-legged and up-right on the mat following my latest purge.
At that moment it was like I was a Buddhist monk who had been sitting in the same space, meditating for 2 weeks solidly - that’s how intense the energy felt. I took in a clean deep breath, like Neo did in the Matrix after consuming Agent Smith, having just revived himself from the dead. My hands then began to flow and move themselves again as I unknowingly began to find my Assemblage Point. The Assemblage point is a small pocket of energy within the auric field, usually located close to the head. The only reason I had even heard of this was because it was described in a book I had been reading - The Four Insights by Alberto Villoldo. A coincidence? I think not. I would move this ball of energy toward each relevant chakra that needed work autonomously, and then another wave of purging would begin. I would again repeat these actions several times over.
As the oral purging began to lessen, I realised I needed to go to the toilet and urinate. But since I had purged from the North so much, and I suffer from inflammatory bowel problems, I set my intentions and instead sat down on the toilet, and then thought “I wonder”..and Southbound I headed.
My hands began to work on my colon, pushing on and scanning over various different areas. I could hear the energy shifting around - as if there were massive pools of water in there just waiting to be drained. Then several purges came in the form of liquid evacuations. I continued with this for half an hour or so. The facilitators had checked on me several times to ensure I was OK, and it was after this time, that I was called back into the room so that they could close the night’s ceremony. I knew that there was more work in this area that I may need to continue with the next night.
The ceremony was closed at around 5am - I did not sleep.
Day 2
I got up at around 9am. I had now been awake for about 28 hours, but oddly I felt fine. I am rarely one to go out partying for days on end without sleep. One all-night party wipes me out, and I don’t do many of those - I very much value my sleep. I decided I would probably have a nap in the afternoon after the Bufo.
We had some breakfast and then a group integration in the morning and shared our experiences with one another.
2pm came and it was time for me to do my next Bufo Alvarius. I had decided I wanted to do another one before the retreat and paid for it in advance, but after my first Ayahuasca session and the premonition I thought that I had experienced, I was a little concerned. Although I had purged a lot of “badness” out of my system, and this gave me some hope that it would be better than I had expected.
It was a warm sunny day, so the facilitator decided I would do it in the garden, and began to set up some blankets and cushions on the grass. I was slightly concerned that the garden hand who had been watering the lawn was still loitering around the area, winding up hose pipes and putting sprinklers away - I felt like I didn’t want him to witness what may appear to be like me having an exorcism as I had imagined it to be in my premonition. However, I planned to go ahead with it whatever. There was no point in being worried about stuff I thought, it could exacerbate my slightly paranoid mind. Luckily he just finished up as we began to get started.
The ayahuasquero explained to me in Spanish what to do and the translator translated accordingly. I already remembered how to do this from the last time, but he said some things that helped me with my mind, which I was eternally grateful for.
I took my last deep breath out as he lit the pipe and I began to take a big deep breath in. I breathed in until there was no capacity left in my lungs, and then I still found a little room inside me to evacuate the remaining smoke in the crucible pipe.
It happened much more quickly this time. There were no slow psychedelic shapes increasing in intensity like last time. This time everything was a dark shade of white which just intensified into brighter and brighter white, and then I was everything again. But this time it was different. Last time I witnessed Infinity and then became Infinity. The great glory and vastness of the entire Universe. This time I was just a white dot - All of the great intensity of everything that is and ever was packed into a tiny almighty powerful dot of Infinity. The humming of sound followed my visual and then as everything reached a head, BOOM!
It seemed to have taken no time at all - easily less than 5 minutes. I began to hear the birds singing again, the brilliant sunshine beaming down on me and the gentle breeze blowing across my face. I was back, but still slightly delirious. As soon as I came back into earthly consciousness I realised I had been spitting out projectiles from my position laying down, and the gentle chuckle of one of the other participants - I had just missed him from about 2 metres away! I lay there for another 10 minutes or so just coming to terms with things. The bliss I had experienced in my first Bufo was there but not as wonderful. As I came to, I sat up and proclaimed to the group that I was not sure whether I needed any more drugs after that. I asked how long I had been gone for - 20 minutes! It felt like I had experienced the most powerful Bufo experience that anyone could ever have experienced, and that there was no need for any more. As Alan Watts once said, “When you get the message, hang up the phone”.
Following the experience we had some lunch, but I was wide awake. I wasn’t going to have that nap after all.
Around 9pm we began to gather in the facilitating room again to prepare for the next Ayahuasca session. We would usually begin by setting our intentions for our next journey. I wanted to continue where I had left off, and go on from there - I felt really good after last night’s cleanse.
We began at around 11pm. Similarly to the first night, the first brew did not seem to do much. I saw some gentle mellow transient structures, but other than that just felt relaxed.
After the second brew took hold, I started to feel quite nauseous, and used my mental experience to allow these feelings to pass over me - I did not want to throw up the brew - I had to continue my efforts from the previous night. I kept it down, and then laid down expectantly. Eyes closed, I was presented with a number of transient flowy type visions, almost like they were from a children’s fairground. I remember thinking how different this was from mushroom visuals. You seem to get more holography, fractals and geometry with mushrooms.
The images evolved into extreme visual pleasantry - Mother Ayahuasca was showing me a lot of love, and telling me that everything was going to be OK. I felt safe, comfortable and reassured.
Following on from the previous night, I had a little bit of vomiting. I could then feel my guts mobilising and then knew I had to return to the bathroom to continue where I had left off from the last session. I allowed my spirit to take control of my body again. I then had probably the best colonic irrigation of my life!
I learned to surrender as had been discussed prior to both sessions so far. One hand would push on various points around my bowels, while the finger of my other hand was so far up my backside, I didn’t think it was possible for me to have done it voluntarily! As the finger grappled around inside various different crevices I never knew existed, a new purge was brought forth. It felt like there must have been so much stagnant faecal matter up there that I was now finally getting out. It was quite disgusting in a way, but all I could think about was the cleanse I was having. The facilitators checked up on me several times, and I just had to laugh and tell them that I was more than OK - just “having a purge”. They even called me in to close the ceremony before I had finished, and there was a lot of mess to clear up. The toilet bowl was filled up with shit and blood. My spirit guide even took care of the clean-up operation - It wiped, ran a bidet for me and washed my arse and my hands thoroughly - I just allowed it all to unfold in front of me. I was back in the room in no time at all.
On several occasions during this session I was getting echoes from the Bufo I had smoked earlier on. I felt as though I was getting dragged off to infinity against my will. The power and intensity of the Bufo earlier on had alarmed me slightly, and I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to go back there so soon. I kind of let the feeling blow over me as I had done with the nausea from earlier on in the evening, rather than wholeheartedly resisting it. This seemed to work without too much consequence. Although, in hindsight, I wish I had just gone with the flow. It kept almost happening again after the session was closed and I was in bed. This kept me up for longer still. I didn’t want to go back into Bufo at all at this point! I did manage to get a couple of hours’ sleep this time though, having been awake for around 50 hours!
Day 3
After breakfast and integration we would say goodbye to 3 of the participants who had decided to only do 2 nights. That left 3 of us, but somebody else was due to join us later that day.
We began the session with some rapé which didn’t feel too good for me this time. It was related to the heart chakra but felt very unsettling and I noticed my lower back aching again.
The first brew began to come onto me just before we were due to start the second. There were no real visuals this time. My hands again began to start working on healing areas on my body. I had wondered whether there was anything that could be done about my Myopia, and my hands began to work on areas of my face. This did not last long and then I began to work on an area around my upper chest. I was pressing and releasing pressure from several areas around my heart, and making some of the same noises I had been on the first night as I released “bad” energy. It felt quite tender. I began to feel as if there was a huge wall around my heart, and a message came to me that this was the 3rd lifetime that this “wall” had been there, which ties in with the past life regression I mentioned in my earlier blog.
As the releasing began to unfold, I experienced huge amounts of love, happiness and joy. I imagined myself in love with everything - in a perfect state of health with a perfect soul mate. I was standing at what looked like the bridge on a spacecraft in front of 2 monitors, designing my new life with all the things I wanted in it - all the things that seemed to have been denied to me. I had a sense of sheer amazement. As this vision unfolded around me, my hands continued to work on my upper chest area.
I then began to think of how everyone I knew would see my new life - the negative comments people I knew but do not like would make about me. As I dwelled upon this, the long-standing shame I later realised had been holding onto me energetically for most of my adult life began to show itself. The shame began in early adulthood as everyone else in my peer group started to couple up, and I was terrified of what people would think about me, because I wouldn’t - because I couldn’t do those things. The fear in me was too great back then. Would they think I was gay or something? Or just not into girls? I couldn’t care less what people think of me now, but at that age it terrified me. I was frightened that somebody who knew this about me would bring it up in front of other people who didn’t and that this would cause me deeper humiliation.
As these thoughts ran through my head, I began to say some things - all the bullshit from my mind spewed out as words from my mouth, and this terrified me. The shame kicked back in and I realised I couldn’t allow other people in the room to hear these things about me. Against all the advice I had received, I did not surrender to Mother Ayahuasca, and I convinced myself to go the bathroom to “check in with myself”.
While I was there I began to experience some of the symptoms of a bad trip, and almost vomited a few times. The facilitators came to check up on me. I lied and told them I was OK. But I could not go back in that room. I left the toilet after an hour or so of despair, and went straight into my bed. The softness of the duvet and the pillows was comforting to me and I felt at peace. They checked up on me again and talked me back into the room, but only so that they could close the ceremony, which I was fine with. It would all be over soon.
But it wasn’t. That night I again did not sleep for my ruminating thoughts. My mind was racing as it tried to comprehend how I could possibly get through this. I knew that there was a problem that needed to be dealt with but I was afraid of going deeper into it. I tried several sleeping locations to try to resolve my restlessness. I went back into the facilitating room from my bed. I even went outside into the hammock, which was fine at first, but then it seemed to get colder. In the end I gave up, and had breakfast at 9am with everyone else, having failed again at sleeping.
Day 4
I had some fruit some time before breakfast in the hope that it would help me sleep - after all, I had tried everything else. I was still under the influence at this time. I had decided that I could not do another Ayahuasca session and asked the facilitator whether I could join the morning Kambo session instead. I thought that this may have helped to give me some emotional release without the psychedelia. He told me no, since an empty stomach was required for Kambo, and besides I was still in the Ayahuasca process.
I went back to bed for an hour or so but did not sleep as usual. I thought things through some more and then realised something. This shame was from another era of my life. Why did I care what these people thought of me? The other participants had already shared shameful secrets of their own during integration. I thought if I spoke about it, it would not matter if I did the things I had tried to prevent the night before. It would take the power out of the negative emotion. So I discussed my entire experience during integration. I even cried as I spoke. It usually takes a lot for me to cry.
It worked though. I felt much better after that, and I decided to go ahead with the final Ayahuasca session after all.
We began earlier on the final night, at around 10pm. We were told it was a “free bar”. After the first brew we could have as many booster brews as we wished.
I had some rapé and it felt good again. I then drank the first brew. Unlike the previous nights, the first brew had a major effect on me. After 30 minutes or so, I began to see the most beautiful visuals of 3-dimensional tapestries. As the images progressed, I began to worry in the back of my mind about facing into the fear from the previous night. I allowed the negative thoughts to wash over me - I decided to go with the flow. There was no way I was going to make the same mistakes I did last night.
The visuals slowly began to fade away, and I seamlessly moved my hands to my upper chest where they started to work on me autonomously once again. As I released more of the “bad” energies, my sense of shame slowly began to re-energise itself. But this time Mother Ayahuasca had a message for me. This was all just my mind. It had been all along, and I am not my mind. I began to notice my mind doing things on its own and calling it out. “Mind!” I exclaimed to myself as I latched onto its erratic behaviour. I then realised I didn’t even need to repeat last night’s process in order to work my way passed the issue. I continued the healing, and allowed the mind’s comments and judgements to simply wash over me - All I needed to do was recognise what was Mind and detach my Self away from it.
“Mind!..Mind!..Mind!..Mind!..”
Every time it began to take over my internal dialogue I called it out! With that, the solid barrier I had envisioned around my heart began to dissipate with almost no effort at all, to the point where little physical work was any longer required on it. How much had my own mind been responsible for all of this, masquerading as me?
I spent the rest of the night cleansing the energies of what was left in this area and also began to work on the tension surrounding my shoulders and neck, which felt very relieving.
The facilitator called out for the booster, but I was happy. It was the perfect dose for me, I didn't need anymore. The other facilitator then began playing some beautiful songs on his guitar, and my enhanced senses enjoyed the treat, and the rest of the night.
It was a clear night and we ended the night by going out to look at the beautiful stars. I slept very well after that.
Day 5
It was a fun morning during the integration - especially compared with the previous day’s coming together.
I joyously explained my night’s experience to the group - emphatic about how I had learned to be in control of my mind. The 4 nights suddenly made sense in combination. It was as if Mother Ayahuasca had told me a story about my life - how I had been, the things I hadn’t realised, what I had forgotten, what I needed to know, and where I needed to go to progress..
My mind was now my servant, and not my master.
We all picked out a Tarot card the facilitator had splayed out upon the floor.
I picked The World. It made perfect sense to me. For now it was my oyster.