Musings: V

I left home and moved out of state. When I arrived I discovered the beauty of being a stranger to those around me. No eyes watching my every move, no whispers, only silence. I reassured my family that I would be safe and that I was very happy.

Eventually, I moved in with my boyfriend who we will call 'N'. It had been four years since I had chosen to be in a committed relationship. I was so comfortable with my independence that becoming someone's girlfriend was something foreign. My intuition was telling me that he wasn't the one I would spend the rest of my days with, but I was convinced that we'd have a lot of fun together.

N was a self proclaimed entrepreneur and he worked from home teaching others how to grow their business through social media. He came from a wealthy family but wanted to make something of himself and shine on his own. He was a dreamer and he made several promises of all the amazing things we would do together. He was also one hundred percent full of shit. 

Things started going downhill when I shared my EyeEm account and he had his first look at my photography. His reaction was nothing like I had expected. He made himself an account proclaiming his love for photography. He tried giving me advice on what my content should be and who I should be targeting. 

When it became apparent that nothing would change on my end he confronted me, telling me that he was not comfortable with what I was doing. He couldn't see the artistic value in these images and proceeded to shame me. Enraged, I grabbed my phone and started deleting numerous postings. 

He got angry, shouting that It was my fault and I should stop acting like a child. We continued to exchanged heated words. I couldn't remember the last time I was this upset. I could only hear the throbbing pulse in my head and feel a tingling numbness coursing through me. 

Somehow I ended up in his arms. He spoke to me softly, telling me that it was all in my head. I had misinterpreted him and caused a pointless fight. He continued speaking sweetly, his words became inaudible and I found myself lost in thought. I began to question myself and became convinced that maybe I had misunderstood him. He suggested a change of scenery and without a second thought the issue was swept under the rug.

"I wish you could be more outgoing" he sadly whispered in a group setting. 

"This is what we're going to do today!" His eyes sparkling with excitement which captured my attention. At the back of my mind I'd recall the last time I planned something and was ignored.

"I have a body of a god, you need to join me." He'd say, standing naked in front of our bathroom mirror. 

Often we'd go for a walk on hot evenings and once I suggested we stop for frozen yogurt. He surprised me with a firm "No." taking my wrist and pulling me away. "If you gain weight then we're breaking up." 

Overtime, his words began to sink in. Fighting became pointless. He was always on the defensive and would twist my words against me. I felt like I was losing my mind, myself and my freedom. I started to push him away, cutting off all physical contact and speaking less. 

I was honest when he finally confronted me. I numbered off his faults and told him that I no longer found him attractive. He was appalled, gesturing to his physique like it mattered. As always, he could never do no wrong and the blame was on me. His shouts sounded like whimpering cries and all I could hear instead was one word, "Child."

He shot the bullet before I could and told me that he was getting a place for himself. I moved out early and stayed temporarily with a friend. N would call often, telling me how depressed and lonely he was without company. Inside I was laughing. Later he wanted closure and convinced me to make a "breakup" video for his YouTube channel to prove to the world that it is possible to remain friends after a breakup. We made the video. We're not friends.

When I told @kommienezuspadt about my ex he pointed out two things. One, that my ex was a narcissist and two, that he was gas-lighting me. I was slightly familiar with the first but had never heard of the later.

Narcissistic personality disorder-

If you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may feel a sense of entitlement — and when you don't receive special treatment, you may become impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — for instance, the best car, athletic club or medical care.

At the same time, you have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation. To feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make yourself appear superior. Or you may feel depressed and moody because you fall short of perfection.

(Source)

Gaslighting-

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make targets question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target's belief.

(Source)

Thanks for reading.