Musings : II

When I see this image I can hear myself saying, "I cannot, will not change." 

I spent a year talking to someone that ended up moving out of the country to study abroad. He was a really interesting guy, produced music and I adored him. Our relationship changed once doubt was thrown into the pot and we both discovered we wanted different things. I cried a lot, telling close friends that I wouldn't be able to listen to a certain genre of music for some time.

I ended up getting close to a friend that I had rejected the year before. We were constantly on and off. My intuition was telling me that the relationship would never succeed. I wanted to create, grow, discover. He wanted to settle down, keep at his normal routine and never leave the safety of the familiar. 

After talking again I saw that he was trying to turn his life around. Earnestly, I told him that I wanted to be in a relationship. Maybe this was our moment, but that was the only chance I was willing to give. He rejected me, probably out of spite. Telling me that he wanted to move and go to school in a different state. Then he finished by stating that I was incapable of leaving my family behind. 

I was struck twice now. Rejection felt like a sinking hole that grabs hold then keeps me. 

I spent many months contemplating. Then a question arose, why be with someone that doesn't want you? So simple. There is always a tendency to overcomplicate things. All you need is the courage to let go. Sadness will come but that's only temporary. Don't deny yourself the happiness of loving those around you and also loving everything about yourself. 

Some days I want to reach out to these men and see how they're doing. I want to wish them luck on their endeavors and show them how much has changed these short years. I've been able to experience so much happiness that I've come to accept all my faults. Past and present.

If you find yourself in any type of toxic relationship, then think. We're logical beings. You know the answer, you've been holding the cards this entire time.

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