The Silent Tears of a Clown, Self Portrait

I remember as a kid, riding in the car in the families 1966 Plymouth Valiant with the radio on. That was the first time I heard Smokey and the Miracle's song, Tears of a Clown. I thought knew the Lyrics, but never really allowed the poetic truth sink deep until now.

This portrait is an ode to the mask I sometimes wore, at my own expense primarily. Yet the profound honesty that came through sketching my face, looking in the mirror was way to stark that day. So a couple of days later, I took some turpentine and heavy Q-tips and smeared the prismacolor medium...until this came out.

I was happily sad..the strange way duality dances in our heads sometimes. I ended up masking that vulnerability that stared back at me in the reflection that afternoon. This song came flooding back to memory as I took the photograph of this piece today.

Because the love that I sought so long ago, as the beautiful lady I called Mom, sat in the passengers front seat that day in the early 60s... oh I tried to find a replacement for her, the tender touch I missed and never really had, from my mother... through the amazing journey of love with the Women Muses of my life, and to the present Love, that has shown me its ok...that I now allow to kiss and nurture the healing heart of a Clown.

Now I understand, why the blue hand, it plays the Blues so well, (literally).Thank you, everyone, that tried to get to the heart that was covered by the Blue hand that constantly guarded it....I truly didn't know or understand.

I would like to give inspirational credit for this post to @paolobeneforti and his childhood memories series of sketches. And thank you Smokey and the Miracles for the power of your sounds, that opened the heart of a sad Clown.
KFx

Tears of a Clown

Oh yeah yeah yeah
Now if there's a smile on my face
It's only there trying to fool the public
But when it comes down to fooling you
Now honey that's quite a different subject

But don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Really I'm sad, oh I'm sadder than sad
You're gone and I'm hurting so bad
Like a clown I appear to be glad (sad, sad, sad, sad)

Now they're some sad things known to man
But ain't too much sadder than
The tears of a clown when there's no one around, uh
Oh yeah, baby

Now if I appear to be carefree
It's only to camouflage my sadness
And honey to shield my pride I try
To cover this hurt with a show of gladness
But don't let my show convince you
That I've been happy since you
'Cause I had to go (why did you go), oh I need you so (I need you so)
Look I'm hurt and I want you to know (want you to know)
For others I put on a show (it's just a show)

Now they're some sad things known to man
But ain't too much sadder than
The tears of a clown when there's no one around, uh
Just like Pagliacci did
I try to keep my surface hid
Smiling in the crowd I try
But in my lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown
When there's no one around, oh yeah, baby
Now if there's a smile on my face
Don't let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Don't let this smile I wear
Make you think that I don't care
'Cause really I'm sad
Written by Henry Cosby, Smokey Robinson, Stevie Wonder • Copyright © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Tears of a Clown-copyright 2018 by Kuttlefishx

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