City Skyline Studies. Confession Of An Imperfect Wanderer.

Today was a typical all-weather day in Vancouver. Abundant rain showers and grey sky in the morning, which really felt like a spring day, then sudden drop of temperature and few hours of sunshine peaking from below clouds what suddenly seemed like cold winter day.

I was standing at the very same spot today, by Vancouver Science world, missing somebody...

My day was, and still is, quite challenging. I am trying to finish a last minute commission from a client on a very tight deadline. That alone would be ok, I actually work quite well under pressure. But I had a bad night due to nightmares. Do you suffer from nightmares? I could write a book about nightmares. I had a whole period of my life when night used to be my worst enemy, and the word nightmare does quite describe the experiences I had to go through.
Night-terrors would be more appropriate. It was connected to a transcendental experience which I had hard time integrating into physical body and anchor back to this reality. It had also a lots to do with malicious energy work (some call it curse) of one lost soul.

Toronto skyline, oil on wood.

That time has passed thanks to God. I do not wish to anyone on Earth to live what I had to go though. I truly believed that I will not survive it. I did, and I mostly healed. But since then I still have occasional nightmares. It is not like I am inside a dream and it's a bad dream. Not at all. It's a pure feeling of fear, terror, annihilation of soul or even the whole Universe, that has no story connected to it. And it does not typically end when I wake up. Even after I wake up, I am still in there, and it takes me time to shake it off.

Sleep is the greatest gift from Universe.

Difference is that now I am stronger. I can deal with it better and I shake it off faster. And it does not happen as often as before. I know this sounds crazy for some of you, but I came to realize that this is nothing but cleansing of old fear (karma) stored in my system from countless lifetimes, most of them not even "mine" per say, but "collective" human karma. Some transcendental experiences can trigger an avalanche of that. That is why I always say to people: go slow, do not rush to the highest experiences of the higher realms, because when the time comes naturally, you will be ready.

Infinite love....

So last night was one of those nights. I woke up with my heart beating in my throat and I sit on my bed in darkness, composing myself. I did not sleep much. You know how it feels when you wake up after a rough night and sleep which was way too short- you feel miserable. On top of that (or maybe because of that?) I had an unpleasant exchange with someone I love, which only made things worse.

I think that the worst feeling in the world is the feeling of helplessness. That feeling when you try so hard but it's not quite good enough to shift the things around. When I look deep within, I think that the feeling of helplessness is so unbearable because it is a shade of the primal fear of death. It is something none of us can escape, and that it feels so helpless, with zero control over the outcome.

Was he ever hopeless? I like to believe Little Prince was hopeful.

If it wasn't for the deadline on the painting, I would drive somewhere to the forest with no wifi reception and just sit under the tree, or walk by the river. But Universe probably put me in this situation so that I can't run away from it, so that I have to face it. Every shadow contains a gift. Suffering is a grace in disguise, I truly believe that.

So here I am, dealing with my shitty day, doing my best not to run away. Doing my best to allow and let go. Doing my best to love despite being hurt.

I am sorry if this was not a very positive post. But hardships make part of life, and honestly life would be boring without them. I am OK, no big deal. I survived worse, all of us did!

Let the paintings light up this post, and my day, if my words could not do it!

Thank you for your support. I truly appreciate the growing following on my blog.

Sending Love to all of you,

Much Peace,

Jan
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