"How Was Your Day?"

"Bleak," I responded with an artful blend of shame and angst.

(The following is a personal exercise, not an attempt to support any other or to find a definitive solution.)

For the better part of three years, my life has been at what feels like a standstill. Me doing me through a small loop of behaviors, the only difference being time of year and location. Fully aware of whats hindering me, the continuation of this loop has been maddening.

Knowing what my soul wants, the answer is simple. However, be it a fear of failure or success, the courage to commit to my soul's desires has eluded me for what now feels like a lifetime.

I was born to be a painter. Without prompting and to the surprise of my mother, I asked for an easel on my ninth birthday and developed a relationship with painting that has been through highs and lows in the 12 years that followed. Some years the relationship was a lifesaver, giving me an outlet for my sensitivities. Other years my relationship with paint could be considered abusive with no real connection in reality. I felt as if my brushes expected certain things from me and I felt like a failure when I couldn't preform.

The gap where our individual universe meets physical reality is the breeding ground for both personal progress or aimlessness. It is the choice of each individual to set the scene for this perpetual ceremony, thus deciding between progression and stagnation. If we are not actively exercising our ability to execute change in our own lives, our ability to alter reality atrophies.

Historically painting, even sculpture has been enough for me. I am content with letting others pursue the answers to the problems on my mind, so long as I am able to create. The exercise of putting brush to surface in creation of a mark that together with other marks push forward a new image into the physical world is how I like to exercise change.

But why have I neglected what my intuition so clearly tells me? I am lucky enough to have a loud intuition. The simple answer is fear. The accurate answer is still buffering in my mind.

To make this more relevant to you I want to ask, how do you want to spend your life (excluding the existence and opinion of any other human)? And if you are one of the few lucky ones to have a definitive answer, what is holding you back besides yourself?

-H