BEASTLY TALES

BOARDING HOUSE BLUES

Mother McKree ran a “boarding house” business,
No, not a “bawdy house”, that would be frivolous fizziness!
She viewed herself as a straight-laced, sober person.
Not given to innuendo or perversion.
“I don’t call a spade a “bloody shovel,”
“Nor do I whinge, snivel or grovel.”
“An upright person, I do see myself,”
“Not believing in fairy, pixie or elf.”
“This world we live in is full of sleaze,”
“For a sordid deviant, life is a breeze.”
“But I, high standards, do I aspire to,”
“Particularly when moral issues are slew.”

Now, Mother McKree would cook a plain meal,
For those of her boarders who hunger did feel.
And most hungry you would need to be indeed,
To want to consume a Mother McKree feed.
Not wishing to be in any manner unkind,
She wasn’t a good cook, in any state of mind.
“I feed them plain, and I feed them good,”
“But not necessarily healthy, it should be understood.”
“And as for grog, it’s just not on!”
“They can drink English tea, if they want to have fun!”

It was high season, and the McKree House was full,
A season when, for casuals, higher rates she could pull.
“I don’t up the ante’, for my regular guests,”
“Although having them there then, makes them real pests.”
“If they could cooperate, and sleep on the street,”
“Their rooms I could rent at a much higher beat.”

Jenkins Malarky was a long time guest,
But his behaviour was changing, a bit of a pest.
He was now coming in late at night,
Whilst not ideal, it was considered alright.
But, as she dourly opened the front door,
Mother McKree smelled beer fumes, oh, very poor!
The very next evening, she heard a noise in the night.
On inspection she observed Malarky invite,
A floozy into his upstairs room,
A clean sweep was needed, get out the broom!
The next day, Malarky she did confront,
“Three strikes and you’re out!” she did grunt.
“Coming in late, smelling of booze,”
“And then trying to smuggle a floozy to snooze!”
“You have broken some basic cardinal rules,”
“So expel you we must. This is not a ship of fools!”

So that was the end of Malarky as a guest.
But his vacant room was not given much rest.
Another tenant by the end of the day,
Ears ringing from what Mother McKree had to say.
“We run a tight ship here, as to behaviour.”
“Step out of line, and you’ll have no saviour!”
“Teetotallers we prefer, and not to be rude,”
“Gentlemen of high standards, moral rectitude!”
“Guests in by eleven at night,”
“Completely sober, not even a little tight!”
“Think again, if you think having guests is alright”
“And we prefer guests to be up early, before the sun is bright.”
“Rooms can be inspected at any time at all.”
“And woe betide untidiness that may befall.”

Most guests dared not whinge or complain,
After all, it was like being at home again!