INTERNALLY BLEEDING AGAIN. IM NOT GOING TO THE HOSPITAL THEY NEVER DO ANYTHING. ...
... THEY JUST WATCH ME.
I'm so frustrated. I can't live. This isn't life. I can't bathe myself, I cant walk, I cant brush my teeth alone. Anything that requires me to move my body in repetitive movements, make me tear, bleed, pass out. I mean my discharge paperwork show I have a partially collapse lung. I cant breathe when I walk and they act like it's a fucking secret?? Really? HOW MANY TIMES MUST I FALL? HOW MANY TIMES MUST I BLEED? HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO ALMOST DIE, BEFORE THEY DO ANYTHING? DO NOTHING. So why go.....I just dont care anymore. I'm tired. I'm so tired. It gets so exhausting to fight your body. It's like fighting ghost. Spasms, jerking movements...then it all causes pain... it's the same cycle, Circle over and over and over. Like I'm put in a washer machine and thrashed repeatedly. You just get to the point where you dont care. I'm there.
This is so sad 😢😢😢
I'm so over it. When this happens. I just have to not move for a week. Heal some. 2 weeks kids home from school, them fighting, all the moving living, it's just life. Normal life but it adds up. Especially after I pass out. I passed out twice last week. I'm not going to the hospital they're not gonna do anything more than they've done before, or that I'm doing now. At least here ice and heat, not pumped full of drugs and watched. What's the point. So definitely resting a couple days, but the rest of the week off my feet, no talking, just rest. I've got court February 4th for social security. If I get that, I get the "better government " insurance. The fact that there is 2 types tells you right there that this government isn't very fair. I wasn't ever going to get fixed faster heried and it was only until and still only until I get so security you get that better government insurance until I will be there . Until then stay busy when I feel good and rest when I don't and it's all I can do. Only if I'm dying will I ever go back to the hospital because it's clearly the only thing they're willing to do. Much luv everyone its just frustrating. Just feel like I'm not allowed to set up we're not allowed to live brush my teeth whatever. No one understands that my daughter, roommate wash my hair. People I mean let you and so much of their lives. But to be honest I'm pretty scared . So every once in a while like to share what's going on in between the shots; because it isnt always pretty.
I feel for you, I really do. I also understand what you mean by "No one understands". Though let me assure you that you are not alone and yes some of us do understand. I normally don't comment because right just typing this I am in so much pain I'm tearing up. You and I are the lucky ones though. We have family and friends that care. That try to help no matter how frustrating we are. Yes it feels like we are a burden to them and we curse ourselves for not being able to care for them as a parent should. But, they are the exact reason I keep fighting instead of just giving up. At least, in my case, they have come to accept that unless they think I'm dying I won't go to the hospital. I'm grateful they know when to override my stubbornness and call the ambulance. The last time I had been refusing to go to the hospital and they insisted I am glad they did. I had gone into septic shock and literally should have died. That was the third time in the past two years I should have actually died. We are here for a reason. What mine is I have no clue. However, I know for some cosmic reason I'm meant to be here despite all the pain. I also know the same is true for you!
You know you're right. I have things other people would die to have and I do try to appreciate life in the hard parts. But you're right. <3
The photo is great.... but You have to fucking go to the hospital NOW. I know it is a lot and it haven't been easy but You need to keep taking care of Yourself.
It pains me to see you in that situation 😭
Well dear just be positive and don't lose faith, it's hard to bear the pain but you are doing right, it's hard time dear.
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