Aphantasia: Inside a Blind Mind

Introduction

How do we think? It sounds like a simple question that has many implications. Describing a thought as a physical phenomenon and trying to translate it into it's abstract nature is still a baffling idea. Furthermore, we have different ways of thinking. As you can tell from the title, I will give my own perspective on thought.

The Blind Mind

A few months ago I was hopping over some scientific articles when I stumbled upon some research by the University of Exeter. The title of the BBC was Aphantasia: A life without mental images, which got my attention. My first thought was something along the lines of "not being able to visualize must be terrible". So much of irony.

I started reading and got to the small test.

I failed the first question.
And the second.
And the third.
And the rest of them.

It felt like the world was crumbling. I wasn't in a gray area of this newly-described condition. I dropped right into the "You're on board" result. That's how I found out I was blind.

The next few days were depressing to say the least. So many things fell in place, while at the same time I couldn't find a reason to consider myself a genetic failure. Humans are known for their abstraction capabilities.

I never realized that imagination was that. Explaining imagination to me is like explaining colors to blind people. I'm exactly in the middle. Once seen, it is the last time I see it. I can't conjure images of animals or shapes.

Or family members.

That's why it might feel so lonely to be alive. If I close my eyes, everything is black. It has always been black. I can't bring up sounds, images, flavors, scents, or textures to relive them. It's just myself in my head. You might be wondering many things at this point. Like how I plan for the future. Or how I remember the past.

Well, in some way I don't think I do either. The best I can do to explain my thought is like a set of ideas that recreate things via facts. My brain is basically a computer. I record facts and process them with logical understanding. I don't really remember my childhood toys. I remember their characteristics, their associated qualities, and the links to other concepts. Maybe my brain is like a huge concept network that I keep webbing into logical patterns.

But it is sad in many aspects. Many people comment that not being able to remember dead family members provokes enormous anxiety on older individuals. Remember we are always alone. Every time we see something, it is the last time we see it. Enjoying a view has a completely different meaning to us than it does to you. We are the incarnation of Carpe Diem.

From Blindness

Most of my life was spent unaware of this fact. You might be wondering how I managed with Mathematics. Funny enough, I'm into Engineering and Computer Science. But my method is different. Classes aren't suited for me. Your speak a different language. You can support your classes and teaching with imagination. My thought is purely logical. Not understanding something gives me physical discomfort. Especially professors who rely a lot on visualization make it hard for me to follow, since their language and explanation is exactly geared towards that which I can't do. Most of what I know I learn on my own.

Unless it makes sense, I can't learn it. History class is impossible for me, especially if it is vaguely explained. Novels rich in description are impossible for me to bear. When I tried reading The Hobbit for Literature class, I fell asleep more than a few dozen times. My brain is a continuous stream of logical thought. I can't think spatially. The best I can give is that my inner reasoning follows very close logical rules. As mentioned before, logical flaws cause me physical discomfort.

Perhaps that is why certain field of Math are easier for me. Abstract areas are more appealing because they can be translated to logical reasoning. Set Theory is one of the easiest. Arithmetic is maybe the hardest, along with Geometry. Drawing realistic pictures with reference is easy, because I see what is there, without any distortion. Fantasy is too difficult. Arguing with people requires a lot of concentration. Most people seem to not care about how conversations work, but I require structure and follow structures to avoid losing meaning. Noise will drive me crazy because it will interfere with my inner voice. Talking over banging drums is somewhat similar to thinking over banging drums.

Also, since I don't have imagination, I can tell you finally: ghosts don't exist. That is what I think is the purpose of the few of us with aphantasia. We are, in some way, the natural red pillers. Since I was really young I began to question the meaning of life and how society was structured. It's not about being smart or not. I just saw without filters. Regardless of how my childhood was, I was living in a blind mind. Reality is my only reality.

That's how I find meaning in my life. My biological purpose is to be the red piller in society. I'm immune to placebo. Publicity doesn't work. Propaganda is lame. Lies are clear. Body language is clear. Language is direct. Content is what it is. It's easy for me to see right through people because I don't think like you do.

Into the Light

I would never feel in a place to pass on my genes into a child of mine. The loneliness that aphantasia brings is beyond your imagination. The moment I close my eyes, everything is gone. With this understanding, there is no way I would be selfish enough to impose this curse on another one.

But as long as I live, I do what I can. Communicating with me was always problematic. My words usually are one-way transactions. Since I can understand one "dimension" less than you do, I can beautifully place my thoughts into words, but you can't reduce that dimension into simple words. There is a barrier that goes beyond language itself.

All I can do is watch. Things just are to me. Reality is one. If purposes existed, mine would be to understand.

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For over 20 years I've traveled this lonely journey into life. There was no room for childish thoughts in me. Thrown straight into hard reality, I have the blessed curse of objectivity. That is how I intend to use my defect. My power is being unable to fall to delusion.