THE ROAD TO HELL AND BACK (still on my way...) #2 : Onset.

----------------------------- WARNING! - NSFEUI (Not safe for emotionally unstable individuals)

Onset

The next two chapters are based on the facts and thoughts in my diaries from 2008-2009.

Once the Commander’s voice in my head got strong enough, I couldn’t hear my own anymore. I thought it was mine, although at the same time had no idea who I was. But I knew well enough what wanted to become – thin.

“Education”

Oh, you’re a smart girl? Of course you are, you are the best student in your class. You know that diets don’t work and people on diets are usually stupid, fat, middle-aged lonely housewives. You’re smarter than that – you start to work out and eat healthy – a whole new lifestyle. It takes you about 2 days to get all the information about healthy food and workout routines from the internet and adapt them to your daily life. So you make the list of things you no longer eat. And because you’re the smart and self-disciplined girl, you can’t fail, you simply stop eating those things. There is no “I want that” anymore.

At this point, all was done. Having strong self-discipline, I wouldn’t turn back anymore. I had a plan and I was determined to stick to that. My body became a sculpture I started to design. The connection between body and brain was cut. The brain wouldn’t listen to the body anymore, only sending commands. And this is how it goes. From 0 to 100. Real quick.

Excerpts.

Starting point: BMI=20.0 June 2007/February 2008.


Both of those pictures later became the motivation to “never be so fat again. ever.”

Days 1-3

Enormous energy. Think about all the money you save from buying less food. You move around a lot, eat less, feel lighter. Great feeling!

Days 4-6

You start feeling hungry at nights but you can’t eat – it’s too late and out of regime. Read some books about Buddhist monks – they don’t eat almost at all. Hey, human being can live without food.

Week 2

You think for a moment it might be bad if you’re hungry too often… but fortunately, you bump into a mirror! Not a doubt – you need to lose that ugly fat on your stomach. So it’s perfectly okay to feel a bit hungry now.

Week 3-4

Improvement! You’ve managed to lose weight. It works! Great. It seems so simple to lose weight. “I just lose it until I’m in the perfect weight and then start eating normally. Hey, to lose it faster (and to start eating normally faster), I should eat even less, then I reach my goal earlier.”

Month 2

You’re used to your new menu. It’s perfect. It works. You wonder what’s wrong with everybody else that they live such an unhealthy life. You didn’t get your periods this month – probably the stress.

Month 3

You’re getting more and more pissed off at other people because they act weird. They make endless comments about your eating habits. “How can’t they see, that they’re the ones who are wrong, not me?” It’s getting difficult to live with others. But on the other hand, they give positive comments about your weight. You feel being noticed. Oh, and shopping! You need to buy new clothes, much smaller size than before. What a feeling!

Month 4

Sometimes it’s quite hard to stick to your regime. You need to think about it all the time, because you wouldn’t want to fail. You slowly lose energy to do other stuff, as more and more energy goes to sticking to your healthy regime. And there are still no periods. “Maybe it’s not right. Maybe I should start eating normally. Fuck, I’m fucked, I can’t eat, I don’t want to eat.”

June 2008. Reached “perfect weight”. BMI=18.2


But I still felt fat. The picture above seemed just gross with all this fat on my stomach.

PART 1: https://steemit.com/health/@joanneblowanne/killing-perfectionism-1-intro-perfection-and-control
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PART 3: https://steemit.com/anorexia/@joanneblowanne/the-road-to-hell-and-back-still-on-my-way-3-loss-of-control
PART 4: https://steemit.com/anorexia/@joanneblowanne/the-road-to-hell-and-back-still-on-my-way-4-fat-is-a-feeling