A letter to my deceased son.

Thank you. Thank you for saving my life thirteen years ago; for giving me my most beloved memories; for keeping me alive this long and still doing so even after you crossed the rainbow bridge; for being by my side in the good and bad days, but specially in the bad; for making me feel loved and worthy; for being such a perfect son, such a perfect soul.

You know how much I loved you. I showed you and told you every single day. An hour has never passed in 13 years in which I don’t think about you. I am eternally grateful for the time I got with you, to show you how much you mean to me. There are many things I could have done better and decisions I regret that involve you. But I know I did my best to give you the life you deserved, and in exchange you gave me the love that my depression told me I never deserved, but I know I did.

I don’t know how to live without you; I never thought there was a life after you. But I know in your last moment of sanity you told me that it’s ok, that you’ll always be here with me no matter what. You kept me alive for almost 13 years, when all I wished for was death. But you knew better, you’ve always been the one soul that has brought the best in me no matter what the situation was. I promise you I will never throw away all your efforts to keep me here. I am alive because of you and I will always owe the rest of my life to you. All that is left to do is to live a life you’d be proud of.

I can’t help but to feel guilty. You always saved my life, but I couldn’t save yours. I understand that you were beyond saving, but I know there are many things I could have done earlier and I didn’t for whatever reasons. For that, I am eternally sorry.

I know you’re always by my side, even if I can’t see you I can still feel you. And you have seen all the pain this situation has caused me, but please don’t feel bad about it. This pain doesn’t compare to all the moments of happiness you gifted me. Sometimes I cry when I think about you, almost every day, but most of the time they’re happy tears from all the moments of laugh, love and hope you gave me and especially for a life worth living that I wouldn’t have had without you.

Thank you for bringing me close to that one soul you knew I needed the moment you left. We both knew I couldn’t have gone through this alone. Although I know now that I will never be alone.

I love you. I will always love you. I’ll see you again when the time is right. For now, I hope you’re enjoying your eternal life with your friends on the other side.