Following Nightmares

We all have dreams. Sometimes our dreams become reality. For some, they are a fairy tale come true. But for others, their dreams become living nightmares that recur and leave them tossing and turning every night. They toss and turn because they know that their dreams have become nightmares, and that because they have put so much time, effort, and dedication into making their dreams come true (and maintaining them), they don’t really want to let them go.

I know this, because I was that way once about marriage. My parents had dated for five years before marrying and getting a divorce five years later. I didn’t want that for my own. I wanted my marriage to last “until death do us part.” But, my husband was emotionally, financially, and sexually abusive to me. Still, I endured nearly twelve years of his abuse before I finally left the marriage, and it took another few years after that before I realized that death in marriage isn’t always that of a spouse. Sometimes that death is of the marriage itself.

There is an article on Lifehack entitled, “10 Things You Should Not Give Up For A Relationship.” Those ten things include the following.

1. Your self-esteem / confidence / self-belief
2. Your independence – personal and financial
3. Your right to decide for yourself – freedom of choice
4. Your right to be you
5. Your happiness
6. Your dreams and goals
7. Existing relationships that are important to you
8. Your self-respect
9. Your identity – don’t morph into your partner too much and lose yourself in the process
10. Your decision-making power

By the time I had awakened enough to realize that my dream of being in a marriage that would last a lifetime had become a living nightmare, I had already given up most of those things, and hated myself for it. I was a stay-at-home mom when my divorce was finalized in January 2006. It took me nine months to find work, and then eight months later, that prime (yes, I said, “prime”) mortgage company that I was working for went belly up, and left me unemployed for the next 366 days. So, today, I am still single, and because of Global financial crisis of 2007-2009, still trying to recover financially. But, I haven’t let that get me down. In spite of the fact that I am not living a life of luxury (i.e.: not working for the man) and not living in a century-old house that I own, I am relatively happy being where I am. I just wish that this financial crisis that was supposed to have ended seven years ago would finally go away so that my son could find the job that he has been looking for since January 2014.