life story

I feel like doing nothing. It's not because I'm lazy nor because I suck at everything I do. I just literally don't want or feel like doing anything . This morbid feeling is killing me day by day. It has already been 2 years I've been feeling like this and it's​ just getting worse. As of now I'm just patiently waiting for it to end it by itself. I'm just done caring .
Everthing to me right now is like 'whatever ' 'bleh' .My interest died out on the things I loved to do the most . It's like I'm half asleep throughout each day. I can sleep or wander of in my own world for a whole day if the people around me let me. I don't even feel any guilt regarding my unproductive life. I don't care about my appearance nor about the clothes I wear . Even with people around me , I'm still in my own world inside my head just wandering aimlessly.
Ori pari ko manche le chinta garcha bhanera I put on a mask and try to act as a normal well functioning human being (which is too hard to maintain so I just make them think that I'm a carefree person) but inside It seems like I always have poker face . It's not like I don't feel any emotion. I do laugh until my stomach hurts whenever I am out with my friends or whenever I watch some comedy stuffs but as soon as it's over I immediately​ switch back to my real self . That happiness which slips away as soon as I try to grab it or that same happiness that goes away so fast that it seems like the happiness was never even there , that specific​ fleeting happiness is what really keeps me going.
I could waste away an entire year and not feel any guilt about about it . Studying is the least of my worries and what baffles me is that I preferred not to copy/cheat even if I had zero chance of getting caught and even write what I knew on the test just because I didn't feel like writing at that moment and thought that looking out through the window to observe trees would be a better idea than a freaking HSEB exam . I know what I'm doing is stuff I'm not supposed to .
This life is a nuisance . Everywhere I've gone , everything I did thinking I'd feel different felt all the same. If only I had a choice to end it all without hurting the people around me , that would be a great steal. But unfortunately that will never happen so I think I'll be living for 50-60 more years , half dead.