Hero's of addiction

I believe that the woman in the story below is a hero. I am sure that most will not approve of the way that she lives her life but she is doing the best she can with the resources she has. Addiction is a horrible plague and can only be dealt with one day at a time. When recovering from addiction there is no room for perfection.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The app on her phone said that the bus was 5 minutes away. Kari’s teeth were chattering as she fumbled to fasten the top button on her jacket

I can’t believe I did this again. I am such a loser. He didn’t even offer to drive me home

The bus pulled up scattering dirty snow over the curb before it came to a full stop. The bus driver looked at her with judging eyes as she stepped up onto the bus. She was still wearing her makeup from the night before and she was sure it was smeared. In fact, she was sure that the whole bus knew that she was a whore. She avoided looking at anyone directly as she walked down the aisle. She sighed softly when she spotted an empty seat. At least she didn’t have to stand. The bus let her off about 5 blocks from her mother’s house.

She stopped in front of the corner deli. She needed a cigarette.
I really shouldn’t do this. I have my baby to think about. Ok, I am not going in.

Kari cupped her hands over the lighter until the flame appeared. Some tension eased as the smoke found its way into her lungs. She held onto the smoke a little longer than usual, exhaled and threw the cigarette on the floor.Well a little bit should do too much damage

She trudged off towards her mother’s house with new energy, angry at her lack of willpower. Kari was anxious to get inside and finally stop shivering. She hated the winter.

“Kari is that you? You know it would have been nice if you called me and let me know you weren’t coming home. You know that I always worry about you.”

Kari hung up her coat not giving any hint that noticed her mother’s concern. She always makes me feel so damn guilty. I always come home, don’t I? She just likes to make me feel like shit

“I need to get in the shower mom. I can’t get the chill out of my body. Is there anything to eat?” She entered the bathroom never waiting for a response. Kari stood in front of the mirror naked. Her eyes had focused on the tiny bump in her stomach. Satisfied that her secret was still safe for a while, she turned on the shower.
My mother is going to be so disappointed in me when she finds out. Every time I get things going good, I go out and fuck it all up. I just can’t catch a break

“Feeling better after your shower? I bet you’re excited about being 30 days clean and sober today. I am so proud of you. Where is your meeting tonight?” Kari was excited. This is the first time that she can remember that she had been drug- free for so many days in a row. Kari blushed over her mother's praise.

“It’s only 30 day’s mom. I still have a long way to go. The meeting is over at Freemont tonight. My sponsor Jessica is coming to pick me up, so I don’t need a ride. Was there anything to eat?”

Kari watched as her mother went into the Kitchen. She had a lot of things on her mind and she wanted a cigarette. What she really wanted was to smoke a joint and forget about all her troubles. Her mother made tomato soup and Ham sandwiches. They ate their lunch and Keri decide to Journal a bit instead of going out to smoke.

I feel good. I can’t believe no drugs for 30 days. Not even a joint or a beer. I wish I knew who the baby’s father was. I hope I didn’t damage the baby by getting high. I am such a mess. I put down the drugs but I am still addicted to boys. Why did I let that guy take me home last night? His cock was so big but he came in 10 seconds. What a rip off. They tell me that as long as I pick up I can’t get high. I don’t want to go to the meeting tonight. Jess told me I would feel like this and I should just go anyway. Maybe Mike will be there. He is so cute and he was really nice to me. Oh shit, there I go again. I don’t think I can do this

The wind had died down as Kari stood on the corner. Jessica would be by to pick her up any minute. She held a cigarette in her mouth with a promise to herself that she wouldn’t light it. Two seconds later she was fumbling in her purse for a lighter. Just as she brought the flame to the cigarette, she triumphed. “Fuck this” she screamed, and threw the lighter as far as she could. The war was far from over but, she won this battle. Headlights were approaching. Kari sighed with relief as Jessica pulled up. Thank God for Jessica.

Just 31 days ago Kari was sitting on her bathroom floor, praying to God that the test would be negative. She held her breath, as the two red lines materialized. She could no longer hold her breath, or anything else in. It was hours before she stopped crying and picked herself up off of the bathroom floor. Her dealer was the first person she reached out to. He would make all of this better. She didn’t have any money but she had other things that he wanted. She met him at his apartment and he gave her what she came for.

Kari came down from the drugs and started to feel again. It was horrible. She could not escape the pain, guilt, and shame. She dared to believe that death would be her only salvation. Somehow she knew that suicide was not the answer. Her friend Jessica had stopped getting high but, she didn’t know how she did it. She mustered up her last bit of courage and love for herself and, called Jessica. She confessed her sins in between sobs and tears. Jessica told here it would be ok, that she was not alone, and brought her to her first meeting.

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